Personal Journal

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Tying up Loose Ends

[7 April 2027]

TW: My journal can go into dark directions. Please take care of yourself.

About a year ago I decided I wasn’t going to dedicate as much time to this game anymore. Without rewriting the entire shitshow(s) I’ve been through thanks to this game. At the time I decided to stop playing, it was really painful to log on without thinking about all the experiences that turned this beautiful time sync into bitter, bitter vibes.

I used to play this game all the time. Before that, I didn’t want to go anywhere near it. Prior to playing this game I tried to ‘grow up’ and become apart of the ‘real world.’ I was convinced that becoming an adult and going into the working world meant letting go of fun and videogames and embracing monotony and paychecks. When I was growing up, games were still considered something for kids. Boys and teenage boys could play them, but ‘girls’ (*resists urge to rip body in half*) weren’t expected to like or continue those hobbies past early high-school (or sooner). I grew up in the South (below the Mason-Dixon line to US folks. To ppl outside the USA: below Washington DC. Virginia is considered “Northern,” but it it’s actually Southern State who hangs out with the Northern States to look cool). So if you were developing a pair of tits, you were expected to throw away joy to embrace domestic life. Afterall, if you’re playing videogames, how can you keep the house clean and take care of the children? 🙄 (*extreme gag*)

One of my family members tried to get me to play this game back when you HAD to multi-class. You wanna be a Red Mage? Black and White mage until level when-the-fuck-ever. You put in work to play FFXIV back then. I wasn’t trying to do all that. Besides, I was terrified of fucking up. Mortified. Paranoid. I would pay my bills ridiculously early and show up to places ridiculously early because the thought of falling behind sent me into a tailspin. I couldn’t smoke weed back then either. So I really had no other method of slowing down my thoughts besides drowning in hours of YouTube content- an acceptable pastime for a grown up. Bruh, I don’t care what anyone says- I prefer weed as a vice versus the doomscrolling I was doing back then. My weekends consisted of me staying on my phone to avoid staying on my computer so I wouldn’t stay up all night and be late to work. I was miserable, but at least I wasn’t playing videogames all day and acting like I never graduated high school (you have no idea the types of people I’ve had to deal with besides the ones I used to talk about all the time)...not that that mattered, because I was STILL in a creative block (3 years in counting at that point)….so yeah. Really fucking miserable.

I told her “no” and explained to her it was because I didn’t want to play a heavy-ass game on a laptop, on a bed, because I didn’t have a desk. Not to mention, if I didn’t like it, it would be a waste of time. And at the time, it would have been a waste of time because I still think ARR (A Relm Reborn) is a pain in the ass to get through...but I’ll get to that.

Anyway, I started dating my now piece-of-insecure-overripe-can-of-yogurt of an ex because he had this way of breaking down my no’s into yeses and getting me to invest in shit I didn’t actually care about. He had me make a character on his account and I made a neko-meow-meow Miqo’te catgirl character named Macna Cheeza. The into was long, my first city was Gridania (Lots of Trees) because I wanted to be a Dragoon (probably my least favorite Mele class) because I like the idea of jumping REALLY REALLY high and blody-slamming enemies with an oversized butter knife. I was still like ‘meh’ about it. I didn’t actually bother until I moved in with dude (huge mistake), and made my ACTUAL first character: Cakeberry Strawshort. Why? Because him and his friends said they’d play the story with me. At the time I liked them and I liked that I could make them laugh. And before you ask, yes she was a potato (Lalafel. Short, little-shit, race of characters).

It was more fun being a meme. I didn’t take anything seriously and I made fun of the voice acting. I got low-key invested because at the time that chocolate bird mount was a promo item you could get if you blew money on a couple Butterfingers (a type of candy that is gross to me, sorry). To make a long story short, I ended up liking it after the first expansion. I ended up making Cake into a serious character (slowly). She eventually went from a meme-y potato, to a meme-y potato that is actually a Viera (bunny race pictured above), to the fact that she was a...hold on, let me start another paragraph for this:


There is more to the story but the rest is history. I had a couple other characters (with equally wacky names, I assure you), and played the fuck out of that game...until I just couldn’t anymore. One last sour experience made me abandon my housing and glamour ambitions. And now that brings us here.

I’ve maintain Cake’s account for a while. The only reason I still log in is because the Medium house I managed to score (pictured). I made a lot of pretty things in that house. But I’m kinda over paying for an account just so I can walk into it once every 2 months and not play. This shit costs money, afterall. So I’m posting this walk through memory lane as kind of a final goodbye.

I’m planning on emptying out that house and just kinda letting the “lease” expire (AKA, before I stop logging in and it becomes scheduled for demolition). That way the people using the outer garden to grow totally legal onions can clear out what they need to clear out too. As of writing this, I’m taking a break from taking pictures of it before I start breaking down what I can’t sell and selling what I can. I don’t want to get rid of my account, because maybe I’ll play again. But I’m not trying to keep paying for something I’ve since fallen out of love with, you know?

Good things definitely came out of playing this game too, don’t get it wrong. It kind of helped me over my artist block. Helped me find joy in working towards things. Towards grinding. Helped me build my confidence. Helped me remember all the fun things about getting TOO involved in fiction. Not saying there’s anything wrong with playing or playing all day. But there was a balance to be maintained and….well I assume you know exactly what types of gamers I’m talking about. If you don’t, don’t worry about it. You’re better off not knowing.

Cakeberry’s mad scientist house is something I want to re-create in the future. Being back in it again after such a long time reminded me why I worked so damn hard for it. It was a place I liked to relax in while I was waiting for my event finder que to pop (AKA- Waiting to play a dungeon so I can get experience or tokens or whatever). It was someplace I could just daydream when I needed a moment. I made that place into the most expensive, time consuming live wallpaper. I made characters like I hadn’t done in a long time, because I convinced myself that that part of me wasn’t something to be proud of.

Who knows? Maybe one of these days I’ll actually bring Cake’s and my other character’s story to life. For now, though, It’s something I’m glad I took the time to remember.

Until next time~ ✿

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Ａｄｄｉｔｉｏｎ~ I figured I’d show off some screenshots for any Housing nuts. I will not lie to you, I am a very naughty FFXIV player. This house ani't natural 🤣              

Closing Chapters and embracing a new path

No, really. We’re done now

TW- I talk about dark topics and I’m not keen on over censorship. If you find yourself getting triggered (or ‘activated’ as people have started saying), please take care of yourself and your feelings. Thank you

[5 April 2025]

Let me start by saying thank you to the people who have read these journals- despite their subject matter or the energy wafting off of them.

I’ve started journaling publicly and loudly because I was sick of being silenced for other people’s comfort or pleasure. I’ve mentioned before (like my second entry) that I’ve hard a hard upbringing. I struggled with people pleasing and MANY complexes due in part to narccistically abusive parents and family members. I’ve struggled a lot with a sense of personal identity, self love, and acceptance. A lot of my life has been me being alone; being among people but still not being seen or valued for who I was and the things I believed in.

I voiced my frustrations at length because it seemed like I was stuck in a cycle I was trying to break for...a number of years. I’ve said before that the reason I type these things out and risk embarrassment, shunning, and other consequences was because I’ve lived my life being shamed into silence for what I believe and the things I see. It could be anything: me just liking oranges over apples or me noticing something that...I wasn’t aware was supposed to be a secret? I was taught nothing and I got in trouble for most things. Then I got older- thinking things changed because I left that environment- I would find myself in it time and time again. When I realized I kept picking those environments, I just decided to be alone and float around. It’s easier to just float than stick to one group. Eventually, though, it seems like those environments or people kept finding me and opening those old wounds. It got to a point where it didn’t matter where I went- even if I wasn’t saying anything it seemed like someone (usually with some type of power), was trying to hunt me down and force me to react to abuse. I got really sick of being a target. I got super sick of being misunderstood, and I got mega sick of people comparing themselves to me and using that as justifications to abuse me, isolate me, or otherwise project insecurities onto me. I just had enough.

So I leaned in and went harder. I said the things that “offended” or made people uncomfortable. I popped off at people who would treat me nicely in public but got cold and gross in private. I lashed out against those who lashed against me, and I decided to do it so loudly and so undeniably that anybody trying to tell lies about me or project onto me would have to work harder to make shit up about me (unless they’re a pathological liar, or just weirdly obsessed). I figured if anyone was going to hate me, it was going to be because they hated ME- not other people’s illusions of me. Because how dare you make me into a doll for your insecurities. Leviathan type energy- lies and twisted truths for petty egos and sad people. I decided I’d rather be hated for who I was than loved for who I clearly wasn’t.

This came to a head when I decided to embrace the things I always wanted to do- Being a fool in public. Sharing my art, playing videogames, trying to make people happy and trying to be someone or something I needed when I was growing up. As you know- there was a lot of friction. A LOT of friction. Most of which came out of nowhere for reasons that I recently discovered really had nothing to do with me. I was really salty about it because- once more- I’d grown up being a doll, an emotional punching bag, or a source of energy for some vampuric type people. I won’t deny I was harsh in some areas and pretty wacky in others. It was a learning curve. It was a lot. Had to learn somehow. Had to figure it out some way. Don’t get me wrong- if I had to do it all over again, I would make different decisions...but not that different. I’d probz get over my pride earlier and be less of a martyr or so stuck on my (somewhat misguided) morals, but it wouldn't be that much different. Those people and situations were lessons I had to learn and accept. I thank them for that (but don’t get it wrong, if you went through that shit, you’d understand why I reacted the way I reacted. I stand by that).

All that is to say this,

If you’ve been here before, you’ll know there were lots of journal entries here. They said lots of things about lots of people in situations. They contained a lot of emotions and opinions. None of it I regret expressing. All of it I kept up knowing it would be embarrassing or perhaps work against my character. All of it was posted knowing it could detract potential people in my life...which is good, because that was the point. If you can’t accept me as I was, I didn’t want you thinking you were safe near me. I don’t want to be a safe space for inauthentic people, and I wont will be. Not anymore

But...as the title says, it’s time to move on. It’s time to let go...like ACTUALLY let go. To stop letting old memories and energy keep me in old cycles that I grew up from. It’s time to stop giving that old energy a place in the æther. Sure, you can look it up on the Way Back machine or whatever...but who cares. If I didn’t want it to be seen, I wouldn't post it .

So this will be the only journal entry...until I write another one. This is the new era- the new first entry. Bare with me a little longer and let me reintroduce myself;

Hi, I’m Octoblu0

I’m an artist and content creator online. I stream on Twitch twice a week when I have the energy and I like doing art and playing videogames. I cosplay as a jelly slime on the internet that lives in an enchanted forest that is equal parts beautiful and scary. In real life, I’m an introvert with strong opinions who would rather stand up for what’s right and say what needs to be said- even if it pisses people off and chases people away. I love learning new things and telling people about it. I love foreign food. I love creating things and hanging around creative people.

And I hope we can make beautiful music together. (So to speak. I never want to play an instrument again, but that’s a story for another time).

Until next time ♥