Digging up Dead Horses: Segregation, Unloyal Men, and Closing the Chapter with my Twin Flame (derogatory)

Just wait untill ya'll hear about this shit.

[25 Mar 2025]

TW- I talk about what I want. I go into dark topics. If you feel things are making you uncomfortable, please consider your needs and take care of yourselves~

Hello! It’s been a while since I made a journal. How have ya’ll been? Doing good? You know...in spite of literally everything? If not, I hope something nice happens to you today.

But really, let’s get into it.

Did you know that Segregation is technically legal in the USA again now? Our cheeto and mega-incel overlords are trying yet another tactic to try to get Black people to get upsetti. Why? Well, they’re racist for one. They’ve always been reliant on our participation, labor, and attention for two. And for three; they’re trying to use Black protests and Black protesters as an excuse to implement Martial Law. They’re literally doing reactive abuse towards Black people...like they always do. So, you know, this is just a normal Tuesday in the USA.

Anyway, I was watching THOSE videos on YT and it somehow got me thinking about Pick-Me’s and men. Which, if you aren’t privy, or if this is literally the first entry you’re reading from this journal: I have deep scars and big opinions from and on them~✿.

Let’s just get those thoughts and opinions out of the way now: I have a deep detest for patriarchy- which created pick-me’s and their sub-human counterparts, “High Value Men” (basically incels and misogynists). These types observe a twisted worship of “Masculine Superiority”- in which men are supposed to be the embodiment of ‘masculinity’ while women are supposed to be the embodiment of ‘femininity.’ What typically ends up happening is that pick-me’s, who are typically the byproducts of misogyny based abuse, align with their abusers in the act of ‘being submissive’ and putting down other women, fems, etc. for the purpose of gaining and maintaining male (incel and misogynist) approval.

Most men in our culture are misogynist. They are raised to be reliant on women and fem’s labor and existence for care and status. Most of these men cannot take care of themselves. They can’t think beyond another man’s approval. Most of them are not fighters. They do not fight the status quo because they gain status and approval from it. I’m not going to say “benefit,” because whatever “benefits” men actually get comes from the death of their humanity. They are literally bullied out of genuine human decency- especially towards women- because they are raised to see ‘feminine’ traits as inferior, unimportant, and replaceable...even though without those traits they can’t make friends or form community (traits most of our men desperately need to learn and do for themselves). They literally cannot feed themselves or move through their social hierarchy without women and fems. Are you seeing how patriarchy isn’t beneficial to the very group it centers yet or do we need to pull out Andrew Tate being insecure compilation from YT? For the love of fucking cheese-sticks, a lot of our men are so insecure they make videos on “how to sit” and “how to answer their phones” because they are MORTIFIED of the idea of being perceived as gay or not ‘masculine.’ Literally how is that healthy?

Anyway

This flow of contentiousness had me both reflecting on past experiences and realizations. Concerning- you guessed it! (Say it with me now) Prior experiences with certain people I’ve talked about before. Namely how very much patriarchal and pick-me those people where. It wasn’t just them either, this is shit that’s been going on for MOST of my life...

I have been approached by far too many men in the past who were in allegedly monogamous relationships. And too many of the women in those relationships (this has never happened to me with queer people, though I know it happens, it’s always been straight couples)- make ME the problem. They attack ME. They come after ME. As though I’m wafting pheromones to snatch their menfolk from them. As though I have (alleged) Ariana Grande energy (aka- snatch your man, even if they’re freshly married with newborn children...allegedly).

*Obama voice,* Now let me make this clear:

[Why is your man My problem?]

Seriously, why? Because there are all types of bitches of all types of genders out there- and I am not the type of bitch who wants to be in a scandal with you and your loose-dicked-dipshit of a man. If I wanted to be fucked by the neighborhood dog, I would have ACTUALLY continued pursuing the men who mad advances toward me when I KNEW they were in "committed" relationships. And I would have told ya’ll about it. Fuck sake, I told ya’ll about every other embarrassing thing I’ve done.

But, like, no- really- why the fuck is your lack of control over your man my problem? If you’re just the jealous type that’s...not my business or my problem- I’m not dealing with it. But if you’re with someone who has a history of cheating, triangulating, or just general boundary pushing...why it’s it my fault YOUR man is in my energy pretending to be single? You think these men are just confused? Maybe stupid? Maybe unsure? That’s...a lot of breadth to give to someone who’s messes you’re constantly cleaning in the pursuit of male attention and “stability” (that you’re actually providing). Because- and read this carefully because I need this to be known:

I do not want them.

I can go decades without sex. I am content with the idea of being a ‘lonely’ cat and/or dog parent. I do better when I don’t have a parasitic mass holding me back and trying to gaslight me out of my dreams. My official dating history is I tolerated an incel for almost 2 years before getting my shit together and breaking up with him. My ‘slut’ history consists of fuck boys. My dad was a fuckboy. My mom was a pickme- what part of that resume screams “Yes! I will steal your man! Muahahahahahha!” like no. I have had better experiences watching paint dry. None of these loose-ass men are worth whatever ‘domestic fantasy’ you’re brain is trying to hold together. And they certainly aren’t worth any diseases they may be carrying- because a lot of those types of men don’t get tested for shit ✨

Truly it’s a paradox to behold, don’t you think? The “traditional” man wants a “traditional” women. “Traditional” women puts down women, fems, and etc who (purposefully) makes themselves unappealing to “traditional” men. “Traditional” men pursues non-traditional women. “Traditional” women think it’s non “trad” folk’s faults somehow…

Even though...IDK, Pick-me’s should be happy and mind their business because it means they now have the majority of men to themselves. Oh wait- they’re apart of the scheme of trying to “tame” women and fems back into a position of “submission”...but is that willingly? Like...why are you helping your enemy get ahold of the very resource ya’ll want? If there are less “trads” than non “trads,” that means there’s more for ya’ll!! They’re all yours!

Why don’t ya’ll take ya’lls men and leave us the fuck alone???

I don’t want your cheating man. WE dont' want your cheating man. The fact you’re putting in so much effort to keep together a fucked up relationship tells me you either enjoy this or you’re in denial about reality. Like, really, truly- keep your men on a tighter leash. Ya’ll want to be 50’s wives so bad, why can’t you talk to the wives that drugged and poisoned THEIR husbands instead of themselves? Why can’t ya’ll stick to manipulating ya’lls men to stay with ya’ll? Why can’t ya’ll keep ya’lls man-children in the fucking house?? Hello!? You’re already in a toxic dynamic because you’re dating a dude who act’s like he’s too stupid to know what he’s doing. You’re already behaving the lie that men have no self control. He’s already treating you like his own mother (with benefits 🤮) why not learn to keep that shit in check?? Like…!?

What the fuck am I going to do with them? If YOU leave them because they left you for me, he’ll just do the same shit to me. Say the same shit too. “I didn’t know what I was doiiinnggg” My peice-of-shit from hell, there are men who get low-IQ drunk to shit who are loyal as fuck to their wives. There are men drugged up on anesthesia telling their wives they are married because they don’t recognize them. You’re telling me you can’t do that? You’re telling me that pussy was so powerful it made you conveniently forget your obligations? Like, and that keeps happening? Time and time and time again? Like all the fucking time? Really? You have that little self control? You are that weak? You have that little dicipline? You’re telling me you have less self control than a well-behaved child or a trained animal? A grown ass man? And you want me to KEEP you? Really? Like, actually really?

Tragic.

And that’s honestly the state of the heterosexual dating scene: men who would rather sneak into office, start a coup, and take away people’s rights so women wont reject them anymore are STILL getting what they want. STILL getting a wife, STILL getting a family (or whatever), STILL at the top-ish of their social hierarchy and they STILL gotta cheat on your ass by tricking women and fems into thinking they’re single.

For women there are two categories: those who either have good sense, good luck, or good time OR pick-me’s on some “trad” shit trying to coach the rest of us on “how to keep men,” “how to get men,” “how to pick better,” trying to make us out to be inferior because they got a man who treats them like shit, cheats on them all the time, and goes outside their relationships to attempt to “secure” and “tame” a non “trad” women or fem.

There’s a lot more I had to say, but I forgot. I’d like to think that I’ve said what I’ve needed to say how I needed to say it. Instead I’m just going to beat this horse one last time before putting it back in the dirt with the grinded-axe I buried alongside of it.

I broke my own rules.

I lost, ladies, they-dees, babies, badassess and the pick-mes I was talking to but now no longer need nor want in the convo (bye-bye bitches. Control ya’lls men. Plz and thanks).

Ya’ll remember O#3? Of course ya’ll do! And if you don’t, the entries are the last Twin Flame entry I wrote and Petty Series vol 3 down a little further. You remember now? I’m sure you do~

Anyway, I broke my rule. I DID go back to his stream. I DID send another message on Patreon. The only reason I’m telling you this is because I have nothing to hide from ya’ll. My ego and death are well acquainted. I fear no judgement and I quite like it that way.

As to the why...call it a persistent hunch. That part of me that didn’t get any closure from The Petty Series and the energetic fuckshit that is O#3 just...wouldn’t die quite yet. There was a small ping within the bottom of my soul that just….needed me to confirm some theories afterall. I needed to test some signs and synchronicities to confirm what I suspected. And now I have all the confirmation I need to draw some conclusions that needed sorting. Lean in rq:

I was right.

I was right that this man was on some other type of shit. Before I struggled to say because among the Vtubing community it’s against the rules to talk shit about creators...and there’s an unspoken rule about talking about creators with clout and numbers. It’s a double-edged blade. Damned if you do. Damned if you don’t. Deadass, this man is part of the reason why I have such a bad rep. Why streamers- especially Vtubers who are fans of certain other Vtubers will immediately start ignoring me in their chats. “My Oshi doesn’t like you, so I don’t like you either.” Then ban me? It doesn’t hurt me if I can’t talk with you, and I really don’t care anymore. You’re oshi is a crybaby bitch who has to ice people out of the community to keep their secrets. Those aren’t people I want to respect and I don’t need to fuck with you either. This isn’t rocket science.

Got off track.

I’m going to come clean about why I think this man has a lot to hide and that’s why he was playing witchcraft/energy-craft shit while acting like “just a guy who’s funny and evil and goofy but cool” or whatever. IDK what my reputation in the community was prior, but apparently I was low-key popular enough to have this dude interested in me. I knew it was obvious because dude took effort to read every chat out loud I made and make it clear that he was perceiving me and cared about what I thought. I joined his discord and it seemed like he was paying attention without trying to DIRECTLY interact. It seemed like he was trying to rope me in using his friends as mouthpieces.

And I first suspected this when a fan and friend(?) of O#3 said to me in O#3’s discord, “Hey you should draw a rugged man, muscular, etc.” At first I thought it was their preference...and I thought the description sounded a lot like Bluto from Popeye. So I drew that as a ha-ha funny. Didn't think that fan and friend was talking about me drawing IRL O#3

What was the other confirmations, you ask? Great question!

There were several different reasons I suspected streamer-kun had a crush on me. For one he himself admitted to picking up his crush’ interests and habits. Okay, thinks me who streams when I can and won’t raid into this man for a multitude of reasons at that point, but what’s the chance a streamer who doesn’t really know me is actually interested? So I just kinda left things where they were.

Another day, I mention something about Bluesky in his Discord. This was back when Bluesky opened to the public. Little bit later, he drops his Bluesky account. My thoughts? He probably forgot he had it. He IS running a business after all. Why WOULDN’T he drop his Bsky? Why would this be JUST because of me?

I said I liked his artist work and whish I could see their Pinterest board. He mentions he has a Pinterest. Doesn't elaborate further. I say something about something and he's on top of it. These last two events kinda hit the nail on the head for me. (And at the time I was bubbling like a school-child...even though I just got done with dealing with fuckboys and crazy people from the Critically Acclaimed Final-)

In one of his streams, the subject of Kanye West came up. Before anyone asks my opinion- I think Kanye is a nazi-fucker talent-trash and a wanna-be Diddy. If he disappeared the world would be 1/100s a better place. Regardless, a video came up in my timeline the next day. I mention it in O#3’s discord.

He drops his YT account.

Not only does he drop his YT account- he drops his YT account playing a game he doesn’t usually play on Twitch for REASONS~ What was this game? A hard one not many play. What were the reasons? Who cares! I’m not actually trying to out this man by giving people too many hints.

The other thing was Ghibli Movies.

I love Ghibli movies. This isn’t a secret. This wasn’t a secret. I would talk about it a lot. I’m trying to study the art style. I have mad respect for Hayao Miyazaki and the shit he created. Only reason I didn’t buy his books yet was because I don’t have time to read like that anymore (sadly). I watch the shit on repeat and I can tell you- out of all the ones I've seen which ones are good and which ones you should avoid.

...so this man

Who has movie nights in his server

Decided to do a Ghibli thing. Not a marathon. We weren’t shot-gunning this shit. Movies were a once a week thing, so we picked the movies in his Twitch stream and watched in his discord on...whatever days they started to do it.

This was around the time O#3 switched up and got cold. Things probably went cold on his end for a number of reasons. Could be because I don’t talk in discord calls if I don’t know, understand, or trust the people in the group call. Probably because I wasn’t trying to make any obvious moves until I was absolutely sure I was experiencing what I was experiencing and it wasn’t trauma rearing it’s ugly head. Probably because I stopped drawing Vtuber fanart by that time, as every VTuber I drew fanart of at that time are not people I want to give any more power or attention to. Either way, the moment I responded back to his feelings was the moment he went cold.

And, readers, this man- for whatever reason- is the type of man who may tell you the color of his underwear but is afraid of feelings. This man does not like direct communication. This man does not like not like having some type of upper hand. But most of all- he doesn't want to show who he ACTUALLY is. I’ve delt with these types. I’m used to these types...for fuck sake, I dated this type. Major difference between O#3 and my ex is that he is competent. Flawed, slightly dizzy, but very competent. He’s the type that watches you watching him. My ex opted for short term rewards and delusion. O#3 watches you and plays the long game. He'll throw you hints that he can switch up later. He'll show you he's intrested...but keep arms length JUST in case. Why? Who can tell with people like this.

Him going cold happened so suddenly it was a little shocking. Thing was, I was so used to being treated like this that I saw it right away and I needed to make sure. So I lingered for a tiiiiny bit. Eventually he started disliking the things I liked. Eventually he was mansplaining my own experiences back to me. Eventually he just acted like I was bothering him. Like he didn’t want me around. Like I didn’t get it and I didn’t belong there. I finally “got the message” when he started fully ignoring me in his Twitch streams and so did his friends who didn’t mind me prior to that.

So I sold back whatever rewards or perks I bought, cleared out of his socials, and fucked off. When I wasn’t getting over it fast enough I decided to do the thing that would ensure I would NEVER actually come back: Sent him a pargraph on Patreon, came clean about my feelings, and – after a few days- blocked him on Patreon. Not because he was going to respond. Fuck no. A dude who lets his friends talk for him? Like he’s actually some type of king? Fuck no. To keep ME from going back and doing something mega stupid.

The story after that is part of my legacy by now- I crashed out because I was experiencing mistreatment and I lashed out. At that point I was so sick of feeling weak and letting other sad, “broken” toxic people dictate what I did, what I said, who I talked to, and how I conducted myself. I just destroyed every mask I created to appeal to people and I became the infamous Octoblu0~ the loved. The shunned. How you doin?

“But what does this have to do with you returning back to his streams?”

Well,

My healing journey is going beautifully. But again, there was still that small, light tug. Let me say, readers, that the tugging and pulling on my energy has not stopped until now. It got got weaker after me popping off at him in Bsky (“say what you want to say”), but that tug is still there. Especially in my dreams where he watches me from an in-dream stream app. I’d ignore these callings before...but was in a really good mood for the past two weeks. And I figured if this man still had some lingering desires for me to come back so he feel whatever the fuck it is he wants to feel...I was going to make him regret it~

And if I’m wrong, I guess I’m a crazy bitch or whatever 🤷.

Those random but now distant and hazy thoughts of this man I don’t know, don’t really want to know, and don’t think I could ever know even if I could or wanted to, tbh. I was deathly curious, but I wasn’t about rejoin his Discord or watch his Twitch Streams on my main account (like...that would be dumb), so I just popped open Edge (lol), typed in his username and...waited. Since I didn’t know his schedule anymore, I so watched a past VOD.

Then I hopped off that VOD because he said something that made me need to take a lap. He said he doesn’t ghost people. Which...I mean, implying I’m not a person is a fucked up opinion to have, but whatever.

Then his stream came on! And I watched and worked and whatever...and him and his chat were talking about a certain videogame I liked. Now, reader, this specific game is significant because when I said that I loved that game back when I was an active chatter and he said he H A T E D it, guys. He hated those types of games because it reminded him of how he grew up and and what he grew up doing. Once more, I won’t mention the game or what he said because I respect his privacy enough to not...make it hella obvious who I’m talking about.

Dude hated things that reminded him of his...I guess humbler-er upbringings? Couldn’t even mention me wanting a certain type of animal without him getting cranky about it. “Those animals poop a lot. There’s a lot of poop”, well no shit, Sherlock. All animals poop. Even humans.

He just became a dick. I stopped even mentioning it because he h a t e d his past that this game reminded him of… And here is with a chatter going “Yeah my ideal version of [game] is [description].”

And all I could do is smile. Not only was I right that this man wasn’t entirely honest, but he said that shit so smooth, without a disclaimer or a grimace in his voice~

Oh no...could this mean he just didn’t like ME? Oh dear thats so sad oh no.

Because if he didn’t want me there, he could have just said so. If he wasn’t interested...he could have just said so? Did it really take all that drama? Did he really have to go the covert-manipulator route? Again, I notice this behavior A LOT with male Vtubers and men in general. Like they can’t communicate shit directly so they just create stupid scenarios so they can feed off your misery and confusion. This bastard wasn’t any different. No shock there. But really though did it REALLY take dude going cold when he changed his mind and trying to embarrass me out of his community? Like was it really worth punishing me like this for...whatever perceived wrongs I committed against this man? Like yeah, he could have changed and changed his mind….but this man literally lied about what type of person he is in order to come off a certain type of way.

“Maybe he just has a streaming persona” – he doesn’t do a good job communicating that. On top of that, again, he could have just...IDK told me to stop directly OR had his Mods do it? Like, I’m comparing him to a guy who’s nearly a decade younger than me who rejected me outright because I didn’t know he was dating someone else. O#3 is only a few months older than me and decided to ghost and lie. Like….again, if this was just a ‘sona, did it really take all this drama?

“Maybe he’s changed”- I mean sure, but if you hated a game that it made you grumble like a baby what dynamic change of heart has you talking about it to others like it didn’t give you that reaction?

“He doesn’t owe you a-” Hold your horses there, buckaroo. He is a community head first and foremost- weather people think so or not. If I- as a chatter- was fucking up the vibes or making the streamer uncomfortable it’s on them to communicate that. ‘Reading the room’ is not the same as ‘reading minds’ and it's not really super obvious in the digital space. I can’t predict how you’re going to react if I didn’t know what I said or did bugged you until it’s too late. If you can’t do the due diligence of communicating your boundaries clearly while keeping them enforced, that’s on you. It would be one thing if he DID clearly communicate that I was making him uncomfortable. He didn’t. He decided to drag shit out, have other people talk for him, got all grumble, and went the “angry highschool boy” route. I am owed so much from this man that I’m sure I will never get- an apology now and clear communication back then. It’s unreasonable to think you AREN’T responsible for communicating YOUR boundaries and gripes. And you have me fucked up if you think I’m going to tip-toe around because YOU can’t regulate your emotions or boundaries.

This was probably the best confirmation I’ve gotten on my intuition and abilities. Another thank you to this man for being exactly the man he tries to hide from people...or whatever the fuck is actually happening there. I really don’t care. I said if I’m coming back for any reason he’s going to regret it. So I granted his wishes, and I’m giving that gift~

I could say nothing...but I refuse. My feelings are important too and I didn’t deserve any of the treatment I received from any of the parties I mentioned in the past. None of it. These motherfuckers acted like I was the spawn of Lilith while being the types to do worse than I have (domestic abuse, gang-stalking, gaslighting, racism, actual cheating, setting people up, etc). I don’t have to give a fuck about anyone’s opinions on the abuse that I faced from a man who clearly abused his platform in order to punish me for...whatever, I guess liking him back. How dare I. How dare I be myself. How dare I don’t fall into his and other people’s traps. Boo for me.

Anyway.

I had a weird itch one day to do some weird shit for no reason. One of those things was to go back to my Patreon messages. I stared at the bitch for a long time. Like a long time. I felt like I had to write something. The thought wasn’t going away. Besides, even if he DID saw it and respond it wouldn’t matter. You can’t delete messages on Patreon. I’ve tried. So I just...did the next best thing.

The final message I sent to dude was me telling him we never should have crossed paths. And I truly feel that way. Without going through what I went through I wouldn't have been in a better headspace now. I would still be traumatized and picking up fuck-boys. But I dead ass wish things went a little differently so I wouldn't have to suffer as much as I did. Then I wouldn’t have to keep thanking this bastard and I wouldn’t have to keep dealing with this annoying-ass energy. But I’m sure I REALLY wont’ think about him after this. If I do it’s either because I was reminded or he’s actually a masochist.

Or he’s just a big big liar and he’s hiding more big big lies behind his dizzy, busy mask~

But I don’t know and I don’t care~. Even if I'm sure of what I experianced, I still don't know the actually story becasue I don't fuck with him or his friends~

I write this to hopefully be inspiring or helpful to people who’s gone through similar shit to me. It’s not like it’s easy dealing what I’ve had to deal with and be allegedly surrounded by people who have no idea what I’m going through and have no way to actually help. I see you. I’ve been there. Take from this a confirmation of your own feelings or gut with your own circumstances. Because there is a point where seeing one thing and people trying to get you to believe it’s something else becomes more suspicious than helpful...and considering I’ve yet to be diagnosed with schizophrenia or anything that would make me see false things, I’m probably still sane. I’m just around people who don’t think I should be.

Finally, as a disclaimer, if you know anyone I’m referring to in these journals please leave them alone. If I wanted to out usernames, I would have done so a long time ago. This is me speaking my truth in spite of people who want me to do anything but. I’m doing this as an act of empowerment towards myself and victims of similar forms of violence: Especially in the same communities I tread in. I do not actually want anything to do with these people beyond just talking about them. And- tbh- if they REALLY wanted to contact me to get me to redact my statements or stop what I’m saying, they actually WOULD have. And I’m sure the ones who might say “I DID talk to Octo! They didn’t respond!” I promise you, they haven't said shit. Otherwise I would have edited my journals and redacted them like the aforementioned redacted parties I’ve referenced time and time again. I am not these people’s enemy- they are. I’m someone who had to put up with the backlash of their trauma and I type these journals as my justice, not to buff their egos or hit them back. Fuck them, but leave them alone. Please and thank you.

Until then~✿

Vulnerability isn’t my Strongest Trait

I fight my feelings, just like everyone else.

[9 Feb 2025]

TW: My journal Entries go into some dark topics. If it becomes too rough, take care of yourself.

I’ll be honest, healing is hard. I don’t blame the people who would rather stay where they are or wish they could “go back to sleep.” I don’t have that option. Once you start the process, you don’t stop. And if you fall for the bait of reversing your healing just so you can have it easier, you’ll just land yourself in hell or hellish homelessness.

If you’ve read the journals (which I’m going to have to organize, since I’m writing more of them than the actual lore I plan to write -_-), you’ll find that I have issues with people. A lot of people. A lot of these issues came- as I’ve said repetitively- when I wanted no trouble at all. They came when I was trying to go with the flow or just kinda interact, and I get disproportional heavy backlash as a result. Think the equal of just saying inoffensive shit or making a small mistake, and someone popping all the way off as a result when there was nothing to warrant the response. Bonus points if those people get weird and start pseudo or soft stalking me because I’m not ‘reacting the way other people would react’ (whatever the actual fuck that means) and they get weird. Super weird.

Oh and nevermind my upbringing, being raised by the types of people who always feel they have something to prove, someone to fight, someone to judge, and needing someone or something to project onto (heaven forbid the introspective thoughts start creeping in. Wouldn’t want that shit, oh no [sarcasm]).

I went into Spirituality and being virtually married to Source and Myself in a mutually beneficial poly relationship after being rejected over and over again by people for unknown reasons. When your family rejects you and constantly tries to change you BACK into the doormat they groomed you to be, you find you have no family. When you loose many a “friend” and the remaining ones are people who’s space and life you respect too much to try to dump your problems off on them, you learn that friends aren’t (and shouldn’t be) a sounding board for your problems. Finally, when you go into streaming to live your dreams of being a personality on the internet, you find that far less people give a fuck about you (which is expected), and far more are wiling to dirty-compete with you...similar to your parents and family...so you trust virtually no one.

So yeah, I have an issue with being vulnerable and trusting anyone beyond the supernatural, the stars, and other people who walk the same path as me and know what I'm talking about (and even experienced similar to the same crazy shit I went through). It’s not easy being anyone and I ascribe to the idea that there actually IS enough for everyone to go around and we DON’T have to be a bunch of bucket-crabs to each other. Alas, not everyone believes that...or maybe people do but those types of things are considered a degree of wrongthink (“COMMIE LIBTARD” *spits out tobacco through rotting gums* type shit...not like those people’s opinions matter. They’re still acting like they didn’t vote for a fascist idiot and his unloved fake 'tech bro’ diaper baby).

It just seemed like when I was vulnerable, I fell pray to the same types of abusers time after time after time who only became increasingly obsessed or insane the more I tried to get away from them. Nothing was good enough. Everything was bad. Everything I did was something ‘against them.’ Yet these people are the ones trying to act like me for some reason. Come to find out that’s exactly what Envy looks like, and the reason I’ve gone through hell is because these people- family, (former) ‘friends,’ and randos- is because of shit that has nothing to do with me and everything to do with these people and their own issues.

Not sure how other people deal with shit like this. On the one hand- envious people aren’t unique (which is why they usually do the shit they do and compete for false/undeserved titles). On the other hand- these people have fucked with my life multiple time through out it. Some have genuinely tried to get me hurt, killed, fired, dismissed, punished, to hurt or off myself because of their own envy, jealousy, insecurities, and shortcomings. I have come across energy vampires that do everything to try to stick by me when I clearly don’t want them there JUST because of something that was uniquely their problem.

I’ve seen people scoff when I used to explain this -before I accepted the fact that the same people who tried to tell me I wasn’t shit and I was weird were genuinely envious of me and wanted “what I had”...whatever the fuck that meansX2- because they wished “they had people envying them” like that or some shit. Or wishing they got the “same amount of attention”...as though I didn’t mention just how many times I was bulled and nearly killed/pushed to harm myself from it. As though they’d take any attention. Which is equal parts sad and disturbing. I don’t care what you went through. If you’re willing to desperately grab for any type of attention you’re not somebody I need or want to be around. Period. I judge people by their actions, opinions, and/or lack thereof. I’ve learned to ignore the ‘software’ as I keep coming across far too many people who try to excuse genuinely-super-fucked-up actions with mental illness...as though that completely negates the action and those people don’t deserve scrutiny.

I don’t know about ya’ll, but being ‘vulnerable’ and ‘understanding’ and the ‘bigger person’ got old when it was proven time and time again that the people coming in contact with me were taking advantage of my usually-pretty-strong patience. I switched up because I got sick of being ‘corrected’ by sore abusers looking for reasons to hurt me and excuse their actions. I got sick of being their pin-cushion or punching bag or narcissistic supply.

“Hey Octo, you're not a Doct-”

Shut the absolute fuck up and kindly fuck off, please and thank you.

I’ve lived with these people and I KNOW I’m related to 1 person with genuine NPD and I highly suspect there may be 2 more on that side of the family who have NPD as well. Hell- MANY people in my family are narccistic- on BOTH sides. Even my siblings, and one of them is going to therapy and STILL trying to earn my covert parent’s love (which wont happen). Either way, I know what it looks like, and I also know that "defending" these types doesn’t help in the way you think that it does. It just gives narc types an excuse to hide behind and to CONTINUE their abuse/avoid accountability for their actions. Obvs, I’m not a doctor, so obvs I’m not diagnosing. Otherwise I’d use the medical term NPD- not “narcissistic”. I’m not going to be the reason these people thrive anymore. If that makes me a ‘terrible person’ then I guess I’m a terrible person. But I’d rather be ‘terrible’ than let these people get away with MORE nonsense and suck the life out of EVERYTHING they come across because they’re miserable and they think it’s other people’s job to deal with it.

...That is to say, being vulnerable has only seemed to make me a deceptively easy target for these types. And it doesn’t help that I genuinely do give everyone a chance and try to be a decent person towards people. When you grow up in an environment where people literally make up reasons to treat you like shit, call you a liar, or not take you seriously, you tend to learn what hurts people most. And if you’re like me- and you got sick of being miserable, anxious, and depressed- you try to turn that around and be what you feel the world needs- a listener, an empathetic person, a mini-support system, a person who validates people’s feelings and cheers them on for even just trying. You try to be the person- the friend or family member- you desperately needed or sadly lost in your childhood. You do that, despite the people coming after you and treating you some type of way…

Then you get punished for it.

Over and over.

Then those same people taking advantage of the positivity you tried to spread in the world turn on you, turn people away from you, turn life against you. They turn everything against you to try to get you to stop.

“If I can’t feed off of you, nobody can”

“If I can’t have you, nobody can”

...I wish a person would try to hit me with the “but you’re not a doctor!!” card after all the times I’ve been forced back into my shell because bizarre weird people kept coming after me and projecting their bullshit onto me. FFS, I know their playbook by heart. You don’t get that type of knowledge by denying reality because “you’re not a doctor” -_-.

Or maybe you do.

Who cares.

By the end of the day, I’m a squishy person who had to become acidic and harsh in order to protect myself from people. The world I wish to embody is a world where people can just do whatever they want (within reason), and not feel like they have to keep their whole damn lives a secret because someone acting demonically possessed may try to come in and steal it from you (like, actually). I think that shit is sad. I’m sad. I’m sad I can’t be soft and I’m annoyed that I’ve been punished for ‘not acting’ a certain type of way...again, whatever the fuck that actually fucking means.

Hell, I don’t even get what people mean when they say I’m so ‘unique.’ What the fuck do you mean!? I’m myself!! Aren’t you?? Aren’t we all unique??? What the fuck is unique about how I act!?!? Is me just trying to do right by people THAT uncommon? Or taking responsibility for my actions??? Is it weird I did what I felt I needed to do to help and protect myself?? Is it really weird that that came in the form of spirituality??? How the fuck am I unique??? Fuck sake I KNOW I identify with ‘Hayoka Empath,’- which is allegedly rare- but I still don’t GET it. I don’t GET what makes me so different from people. I do what I want- especially if it doesn’t actually hurt people and I sand up for myself if people start getting stupid. How is that unique?!? How is that different? How is that worthy of all the fucking hate I get from people I hardly/DON'T even know!?!? You’d think my politics or shit would be the thing that pisses people off...but nah, being genuinely nice to people seems to be more offensive than having an ideology that aligns closer to Anarchy. That shit is bonkers to me.

Whatever.

I know I came to this planet to try to help people. I knew it would hurt and I knew it would be hard and I know it would be worth it. Whatever. When people reject me, I’m choosing myself. When systems reject me, I’m choosing the Universe (or Source or G_d or whatever you call it). When my live family rejects me, I’m choosing my Sprint Team (ancestors, angels, spirit guides, etc). When it comes to IRL people, I’m only choosing people who don’t find me ‘scary’- or fucking whatever- and can at least respect me as a human. Whatever works. I’m cranky- if that wasn’t obvious- and sick and tired of being sick and tired. The only way to ‘end it’ would be to...you know, end it. TBH I’d rather not. I prefer being alive “married to source and myself” because the only way out of this life now is death. As weird as this sounds- I’d prefer where I am now...even if it means I can’t truly be vulnerable anymore.

Till next time ✌️

Twin Flames, and why they aren’t necessarily your soul-tied lover, or friend.

[3 Feb 2025]

TW: I go into dark topics and I usually avoid censoring myself, as I think over-censorship is just as harmful and under-censorship. If things get rough, step away and care for yourself.

A couple days ago I made a post on Bsky cussing out my Twin Flame. This morning, I rolled across a vid on my YT timeline. The video was titled “Fluffy Tropes That’d Be Scary IRL,” and the first thing mentioned was the idea of a Soul Mate connection. “You mean there’s only ONE person I’m meant for, and it’s supposed to be the best ever!?” (this is not an exact quote)

Now a couple things before I go into this topic, as there are many ideas of what a TF situation is and how it’s supposed to work out.

Romantics, writers, and “spiritualists” could have you think that your Twin Flame is your ideal mate and (if you have one...which is a different conversation) they are destined to be yours forever eventually. If I were the younger version of me- the hurt person who used to hurt people back in my early 20s- I would agree. Feel however you want about it, but the idea of “someone for you” doesn’t really scare me too too much. I’m an introvert. I date for keeps, not for fun, and I’ve had so many bad experiences with emotional, physical, and other forms of abuse that the idea of having just ONE who will treat me right and not like a servant, sex-toy, babymaker trifecta is a dream. And this is in spite of my current sexual preferences (tbh I’d rather be alone than miserable. I can date myself).

But no.

The TF situation is not a romantic scheme fashioned by the gods, not all the time. Not really.

A TF is the other half of your soul contracted to help you reach profound growth or soul evolution in a shorter time than normal. That is to say; the job of a Twin Flame is to trigger you into getting your shit together and dealing with your problems. A TF’s job is to reflect aspects of yourself back to you and put you under pressure, and it’s usually intense. It makes you itch in the worst ways possible and it’s like no triggering you’ve ever felt in your life. It sucks.

While yes, there is a chance your TF can end up as your best friend or lover, it’s not necessarily the case. And that’s even assuming you’ve found your actual TF and not some love-bombing asshole trying to swindle you into a trap.

“But Octo!” you may or may not be asking, “How do you know this person is your TF? How did you even find them?”

Great question!!

If you’ve read my journals before or you came from Bsky and followed the link and found my Petty Series, you’ll recall I mentioned someone who I used to have fondness for and even confessed to him. I see how this sounds in context, but no…

I found out because I’ve tried to do 7 different cord cuttings, and each one failed. Every. Single. Time.

“But how do you know you shouldn’t do another one? That maybe things weren’t as strong and you should try again?”

Reader, I thought the same thing! That’s why I tested it on everyone else I no longer wanted to have energetic ties with. Everyone from Subject 1 and my Ex from PS vol 1 to the gaggle of messy blue bitches, to my former Oshi’s and their friends (yes, their friends. It was that bad). Even my former mods. Even the omitted parties. Every single person feeding off my energy and trying to run me off social media has successfully been cut. Even the ones with obvious entity attachments that would attempt to get in contact with me almost minutes after the cord was cut. All of those strings burned through and burned out. All of them buried themselves under wax before being disposed of. It worked for EVERYONE….

But one. But ONE. Singular Person.

The first time I tried to cut the cord with this man, it was just a candle. A simple but effective spell to distance our energies. These spells are usually concluded with the flame finally burns out...and his didn’t. I thought I was crazy at first,

“Maybe it kept going because it caught onto the other things I used to dress the candle?”

So I make another one with minimum dressing...and that shit burned overnight. I had to put it out so it wouldn’t burn my down.

Tried again, but with two medium sized candles and twine. Kept burning. Tested it again on another connection that needed to be burned off a long time ago and that worked beautifully. Tried again on this man.

Kept. Fucking. Burning.

I thought I’d finally got it when I used two figure candles (candles in the shape of people) that I’d been saving for...definitely not this shit. I even used some merch I bought from him in order to amplify the energies. I dressed that candle so well it felt like dude was looking at me through the male figure’s eyes. I set my intentions and did all that I needed to do to make sure that shit worked.

It

Kept.

Burning.

It burned for so long. But I figured I was covered this time. I’ll just let it burn and I’ll have water on standby if shit gets weird.

And it burned out...after I forced it to. It worked before with the others, after all. Hell, his wax consumed his merch item, and tried to reconnect with mine. I took pictures to make sure I wasn’t losing my mind.

I forced to cord to cut and because I was done. I wasn’t about to keep dealing with someone who was playing head games. I don’t care what he went through, what he’s going through, and where the fuck he thinks he’s going- he’s not taking me with him just so he can use me as some type of ego booster. You know those guys who keep you around and play like they’re interested, but never date you? The ones that lead you on and chose someone else in front of your face? And they keep repeating that cycle over and over? But god forbid you move the fuck on and deal with your own shit. Then suddenly they want you back. But if you- you know- fall for it, they’ll just keep doing the same shit over and over? Yeah it’s that energy. Tweenage boy in the body of a grown-ass man type energy. Energy I was done with after the last fuckboy that tried that got dragged and I got their venue shut down (Petty Series Vol 2).

So I went on my own way after forcing a cord cutting. Things were pretty good for a time. My head was clear and it was easier to do work!

...until thoughts of him came back. In full swing. I went from writing my character lore to wondering what dude was doing. I was so pissed off I CRACKED MY FUCKING PHONE. Bruh, I wanted to tear down my place with my bare fucking hands I was so fucking pissed that this itchy ass connection wouldn’t leave me the mother fuck alone.

Didn’t help that the people I talked to about it told me I should either “go back and talk to him” or just “leave the connection alone.”

IM. GODDAMN. SORRY. EXCUSE ME!?

He’s the one who left me on read

First he started ignoring me out of nowhere. He acted like I was some type of chatting pathogen sticking my germy ass somewhere he didn’t want. And when I got the fucking message and decide to leave THAT’S WHEN HE DECIDES HE WANTS ME THERE. Like, full disrespect intended, who the mother-FUCK wants to be attached to a toxic dude on some man-child shit? I was pissed. I was raised by a man-child and plagued with man-children my entire life. Now my “other half of my soul” is doing the same shit that abusive parasitic assholes have done to me in the past!? FUCKING REALLY!?

I ask one of my Tarot cards about the connection. They toss me a two of cups on repeat and I wanted to break my desk. I ask another tarot reader about it, and my guides are like “don’t worry about that dude.” I ask my cards again and they give me no answers. I am not supposed to be in contact with this motherfucker but he’s allowed to tug and pull on my energy? Force me to think about him and try to push me to stalk his socials!?

Bruh….

BRUH.

I was done. Twin Flame situation be damned I was so fucking done. That’s when the spirituality went from a 6 to a 12. That’s when I started embracing my craft and asking Source to please sever the connection or send back his fuckery. Please and thank you. There are other things I would rather do with my time than imagine some dude I don’t know and have never actually seen. It’s weird enough when I dream of other content creators I don’t actually know and have never actually seen. It’s really fucking weird I have to deal with THIS. THIS.

And when I tell you the mind control was nuts? Like I had to keep reminding myself that this man made me look stupid on purpose in order to embarrass me. Like...bruh I knew you for a couple months. How!? HOW!? The Final Fantasy Fuckboy I had an attachment with had more conversations and bonding moments with me, but some dude I’ve hardly interacted with for about 2 to 3 months, with a 1k plus rigged 2D avatar with minimum 300 USD in assets and a fuck tonne of women around him (some of them witches) has me thinking “you know, maybe I was in the wrong” BITCH, I RESPECTED HIS FUCKING BOUNDARIES AND FUCKING LEFT WHEN HE WAS UNCOMFORTABLE AND NOW HE’S TRYING TO FORCE ME TO COME BACK AND FORGET THE PAST, ARE YOU FUCKING JOKING!?

Hmmm, IDK, LIKE HE PUT A LOVE SPELL ON ME OR SOME SHIT. IDK, BUT THAT'S WHAT IT FELT LIKE.

The only time the asshole backs off energetically is under 2 circumstances:

1. When I asked Source/My ancestors to handle it. (and Source help him as my ancestors are cranky and ready on a good day)
2. When I was close to outting him by username or describing him on public posts.

Energetically, it was clear to me that dude likes to fuck with people’s heads but doesn’t like to have light shined on him. And all I have to say is...yeah, that sounds about right, considering his username...and his playstyle...and how much of a control freak he comes off as.

I did a final cord cutting in late 2024. This after months of it. I said on Bsky I’d been dealing with this dude’s fuckery since early 2024...nope, it was more like late-ish 2023, I’m just not going through the trouble of changing it. This man is exhausting.

It was the last candles I had and- to my lack of shock- the bitches didn’t burn out. They burned all night. They burned past the wicks, they burned to the edge of the little bowls I keep them in. Those flames wouldn’t move. Wouldn’t budge. Just kept trying to break through the ceramic and get to everything else on my alter.

Yippee. (sarcasm)

So I’m attached to a fuckboy who- two years since I popped into his chant and was so lovingly (sarcasm) iced out of it- still pulls at my energy, trying to get me to come to his streams. As if the past didn’t happen...or maybe he thinks he’s of some authority and he doesn’t need to dm such a lowly content creator with such a reputation. Maybe he thinks since he has numbers, and people, and connections, and reputation, and favor and whatever, he should be catered for like the little prince he wanted to be once upon a time. Hard head, soft behind, undeserved audacity, and a fake fucking mask like every other big headed Male Vtuber I’ve come across. What the fuck are they feeding ya’ll? Ya’ll act like you havn’t weened off ya’lls mamma’s titties yet.

No I’m not being nice. Dude got my Love and Light when I left him alone and decided to move on to deal with my own problems. Now all he’s going to get is VERY DIRECT AND OBVIOUS DISDAIN for him, his behaviors, and whatever the fuck else he’s did or done to me. I will do everything short of calling out his username. For now. things can change and I really do not give a fuck about the judgemnts of the Vtuber community. They’ll judge you for chewing bubble-gum ‘wrong.’

I know who my TF is because despite all the fuckshit he’s put me through, he’s energetically attached to me and for whatever reason, Source isn’t letting the tie break. If it was my place to know, I would have known. Hell, if I was meant to go back, I would have had no choice but to have gone back. Alas here we are.

I doubt he’d go so far to read this. Why the fuck would he take time to read what a former fan wrote? Even still, why if it says such nasty and meanie-bo-beanie things about him? If he does, who cares. Fuckboy shit wins fuckboy prizes and I’m in the “all fuckboys must rot” camp. Fuck’em. Soul contracts can be edited and changed- especially if a TF goes rogue. If he want’s to come off his throne and mend the bridge (LMAO unlikely), that’s all fine and dandy……...but considering the type of person he IS and everything else I’ve talked about in this entry….LOL no.

May the fucker know love and healing. May Source guide him. May whatever the fuck happens to him happens to him. So long as he’s not in my way, as I will be happy to move him.

So, remember Readers- Twin Flame unions are cool and important...but they really ani’t shit and not for everybody.

Till next time ✌️

Gratitude in Motion

Looking back and showing Gratitude (suburban yogie ohm 🙏. JK, I don’t do yoga)

[21 Jan 2021]

TW: I tend to touch on dark topics during my journal entries. On the flip side of it; I’m literally going to be thanking painful parts of my past and I know that’s not really something everyone can handle- in the most respectful way possible. If you feel the need to step away, step away. Take care of yourself. Plz Thanx.

Hello and Happy New Year.

I’ve been trying to think of a more positive entry to write since I...started this all when I had some energy I needed to purge...so the speak. What can I say? Some people cope with their problems in semi-public because most of our complexes come from not being seen when we needed to be...at least, that’s my reason for justifying semi-vindictively complaining, bringing up my past, and blowing off steam. It’s all apart of the process, as far as I’m concerned.

That said, since my last entry I have been floating in hermit mode as I have been for...years now. Too many years. I thought I had my spiritual awakening at my last job- where everything was hell and everyone hated me and I hated everyone else and I had nowhere to go...not really. It’s not like we only have the one awakening either. People can have multiple awakenings……..and mine was an extended hermit mode to recover from the actual shitshow that was 2017 until now.

And that’s all the more reason to look back and reflect. I had a lot of time...and space to work on complexes, alchemize energies, loose my shit before picking up the pieces and moving on again. For the longest time I was pitiful about it. Upset. Very much “why me!?!” Lots of pain. Fuck-tonne of suffering. So much goddamn disappointment. So much convincing myself that shit really couldn’t get worse then life said “hold my beer, bitch” type shit. You ever get sick and tired of being sick and tired? You ever feel that way for 3 years straight? Maybe longer? I have time blindness from hell, so...I, like knoowww it’s been at least 3 years.

Either Way.

The hardest part of the process is letting go/turning the lemons into lemon squares. There are lots of memes online about people who are sick of turning lemons into anything and want to rest, but...honestly that’s the thing. Everyone has lemons and- at some point- everyone is going to have to figure out what to do with those lemons. It’s hard. It’s not fair. It can be kinda stupid and it’s always exhausting. But those lemons will always be there. Sometimes you get a dry season where you don’t get too many. Sometimes (most times to many), they don’t stop coming. But everyone has them. Everyone has to deal with them. And it’s up to people weather or not those lemons rot and cause contamination or if they just do what they can, how they can, the best way they can.

And I’m still stalling.

I’m trying to reflect back on the bullshit I went through without getting sucked into the vortex of recap brain while also trying to….idk, say what I’m trying to say. Bare with me; remember when I was so upset about all those people who fucked me up a long time ago? I literally made 4 (maybe 5) entries spilling out my rage over being a projection board for other people’s problems? I said I learned...a bunch of shit I learned and part of it was majorly bitter (for good reasons, IMO) lessons that boiled down to trusting my instincts and not being so naive or a fucking doormat? Well, since mulling over these situations after how far I’ve come, I’ve decided to take another look at it and find gratitude in it. Something that I would have struggled to even entertain just a month ago.

To begin, my job was...difficult. I’ve said before and I’ll say again that the last place I worked at had a high suicide rate. I remember talking to a guy one day who had an upbeat attitude going through a hard time. One weekend later, his portrait was hanging up in the same workplace that- quite frankly- bullied him to death. I- meanwhile- was about 2 years away from finishing my contract with the place. Dealing with a similar culture...but with friends I couldn’t always see (and there were only 3 of them) and people- with power- I couldn’t trust or get away from. On one hand, my personal “Vtube Gate” was literally nothing compared to that job, my relationship, and my fucked-up childhood.

I came out of that environment and a bad relationship desperate to be or feel “normal.” Those experiences left me a shell of a person and suppressing who I was so I wouldn’t feel “out of place” or “weird.” Like I was too much or like I like I had to move mountains for breadcrumbs because I didn’t “deserve” to have it easy. Like I needed to work hard just to be considered a person. There were and ARE people who didn’t treat me like that, but due to that trauma, I didn’t see it. My desperation to be liked or loved or seen or understood made was exhausting- for myself and everyone else. Sure, there were people who took advantage and treated me like shit. But others, I understood why they distanced themselves from me- even though they had nothing against me. I hid behind being funny. I got a little too comfortable. But I don’t even thing it was me “getting to comfortable,” really…

No, I’m pretty sure now the lesson was self love (and authenticity, of course).

Looking back, many of the situations that I went through would have been avoided if I were honest with myself in the first place and stop trying to make shit fit where it didn’t. Of course- if I stopped trying to hard to be like too... But...no, really

Subject 1, O#1, my Ex and subsequently FFXIV would have been all avoided if I acknowledged the fact that those people and places weren’t for me to begin with. No, I’m not beating myself up, I had to learn one way or another, and what better way than through the consequences of my actions? All of that shit would have been avoided if I backed out when I did instead of “staying along for the ride” to try and “make the best of a bad situation” when I really didn’t need to. I forced myself to stay when the Universe was telling me that I really shouldn’t. Upside- more spiritual learning and the friends I met in FFXIV. XIV isn’t all that bad either. The lesson is really the same with the blue bitch brigade and every other weird person I met in that game. My instincts were screaming to get the fuck out and don’t turn back...but I was making excuses to stay.

Same thing can be said for my former mods. Same thing can be said about so-called “friends” who just wanted to have a relationship with me or suck pity out of me because I’m willing to give people the benefit of the doubt.

The final straw was O#3. I hesitate to keep mentioning this man because I still have somewhat complicated feelings over this man. Forgive me for going on, but I feel like I should just be candid about this experience- even though it’s embarrassing for me to be this vulnerable about it. If by some chance this man ever comes across my journals and reads this (and I hope he doesn’t)- Once again, sorry and thanks. I regret nothing, though ✌️

O#3 was the straw that broke the camel’s back because the...circumstance was unusual for me. I was still recovering from my breakup and the many bad experiences that came after that. Yes, obviously the limerence had something to do with that, but the other side of that is…well again, bare with me. Part of my attraction towards this man came from two major factors:

1. He reminded me of someone I was close to . This person is no longer alive.
2. I did genuinely have feelings, however my previous complexes made it difficult to see why I didn’t need to be reacting to things the way I reacted.

The small voice in my head that hissed at me whenever I made mistakes was still looming over me and dictating my decisions. The validation I received from him felt good. Everything felt good. But, emotionally speaking, things were starting to get out of hand for me. I got weird and only got weirder. When I felt like things were slipping away I felt the part of me that would grip on, get obsessed, and beg for love. I...didn’t want to go through that again. I didn’t want to ruin other people’s fun by making an even bigger fool of myself in dude’s chat when he stopped reading my messages during his livestreams. It was either disengage while I could, fuck off, and take care of my mental health or becoming the reason why rules had to change and people were having less fun. When the limerance wouldn’t subside even after I’d left the community, I shot him a message on Patreon. A paragraph long. The embarrassment of coming clean combined with him...deleting his Patreon some time later (and while I suspect the reason was more practical, it didn’t exactly help my bruised ego. See ickqueen).

I feel some type of way attributing my further growth to another person, tbh. The...intense feelings I experienced from this entire shit-show pushed me so far that I built a website. I built a goddamn website. I started taking streaming seriously. I started taking myself seriously. I leaned into the Spirituality. I worked double-time to undo the fuckshit that had me so disempowered so that I could finally face myself and the world and say “no” to shit I needed to say no to. I took it from a 10 to a 20 so if I ever crossed these people again I wouldn’t be ashamed, embarrassed, or scared of my past and any of the shit I said and did. Because I did do and say some wild fuckshit and I’m willing to take responsibility for the shit I actually did and said.

Literally being rejected by a dude with a nice voice is the reason I can now write all of this and not feel shame and embarrassment over my growth. A third thank you to the guy. Don’t get it wrong- I’m still sure he lead me on. But...literally who cares?

I’ve overcome the blockages that was keeping me from being the person I needed to be so I could do the shit I’ve always wanted to do. I showed myself I could survive the worst shit that’s happened to me and that the only direction from here is up. I am now the most optimistic I’ve been in my life...and I’m saying that as the world is freezing, burning, crumbling, and changing all at the same fucking time. Fuck it. If I die due to political or environmental bullshit, I at least know that I felt this feeling. That I made it through with myself intact.

I turned lemons into squares and lemon meringue pie.

Until next time. ✿

Subliminals, Meditation, and The Quest to have Fun

[29 Dec 2024]

✿Hello World ✿

Hope your Holi-Days and Winter Wonderlands (or Summer [?] Fundaes if you’re in the Southern Hemisphere) were nice and vibetastic. Mine wasn’t too bad. I ended up catching a bug that lasted quite a while (through Christmas!), so my energy has been…low. But overall, not horrible. Just, like, inconvenient.

But enough about that, you may (or may not) be thinking. Wtf is with the title! Well I’m glad you asked!

In my unloading of old, sludgy, annoying-ass energies I’ve gotten back to my roots: mindcontrolling myself into the person I want to be while trying to control my ADHD-fueled impulses using subliminals. There’s only so many all day Farm Sim (Stardew Valley clones. Specifically Coral Island) sessions one can do before they need something else.

I mentioned in one of my last journals that I’ve struggled with people pleasing/narcissism. In my case, I’d grown up thinking I wasn’t enough and that nothing good comes from me pursuing what I love, being confident, doing what I want, and having fun. It just seemed like there was always some type of punishment around the corner for me if I lived TOO freely. If I was TOO comfortable. If I was living "too good" that must mean I was slacking off somewhere. And goodness forbid the likes of myself isn't constantly working.

My desk is always supposed to be “clean” (it’s perpetually cluttered), I’m supposed to sleep on a certain type of bed (I prefer clouds and pillows), I’m supposed to draw certain things (...yeah), I’m supposed to have a certain job, or be at a certain milestone before a certain age. I- as an AFAB (assigned female at birth)- am supposed to already be dating or married with some baby hanging off my hip. Supposed, supposed, supposed. Meh

Honestly, I just want to have fun. Life for me has been a pensive bundle of highs and lows guided by uncanny intuition, clairsentience (empathy...but the type that has you feel other people’s feelings), and a lot of pattern reading. I’ve always tried to move within the lines and not step on any toes for my own safety. LMAO, you don’t have to read far down in these entries to see how much that helped.

So when I came out of the trenches, sat with myself, and fought ghosts (rock paper scissors style) trying to figure out where to go from here. I’ve even said in my streams that I’m kind of...not sure what to do with myself. Well TODAY I found just the right YouTube video in my main page (NO ADS!! MUAHAHAHAHHA) that finally gave me the slap on the ass that I needed...two of them, actually.

The first one had me upset because the Tarot Reader (I can’t remember his name at the moment) bringing to the ‘collective’ (watchers) attention that maybe the reason certain members feel ‘stuck’ and ‘frustrated’ (me 💯) is because- amonst other things- we should learn to be grateful for the people and things that bother us.

...I mean, he was right*. But I was so upset that he was right that I needed to do a few laps around my room before begrudgingly being grateful for the things, people, and events that had me frustrated. I found a Grateful/Gratitude subliminal, put that bad-boy on 10% volume and had it running on loop to help with the process while putting his video back on 100%. He said “things and people that bother you brings attention to what needs to be addressed in your life.” Which..yes, is objectively a boon. It’s just...you know, It’s not easy to say ‘I’m grateful for the dumb shit going on in my life in any context. Thing is though, I’d rather be begrudged and grateful, rather than vehement and stuck. Hell, I already forgave those people for doing me dirty, I guess I just needed to do a little more to soothe my soul.

Forgiveness doesn’t mean ‘forgetting,’ mind you. IMO, forgiving people for their shit doesn’t mean “give them a free pass.” On the contrary- it was for ME so I could move on with my life and keep doing what I love doing uninterrupted by stupid thoughts or painful wounds. TBH If I never see some of these people again it’ll be too soon. And if I do, I’m not trying to be nice to their asses unless it’s a matter of life or death OR they learn how to communicate without DARVO-ing or being inauthentic. So, I forgive them, but I still deserve an apology. Fuck’em.

The second video came to me this morning, when I actually woke up irritated because I still felt stuck. I’d crammed myself with subliminal vids the night before yet I still felt a weight. I went back and forth and scrolled the YouTube hole until I found another video titled something along the lines of “your spirit guides are yelling at you” and I’m like…..yeah that sounds like my guides. So I clicked on it to get the second message. I’ll just pop the TL;DR:

Life is supposed to be Fun

What people do and how they do it is supposed to make them one to get up in the morning and breathe. It can’t be fun all the time (duh), but it- especially the Spiritual Journey- is supposed to make you feel the fun and happiness you felt as a child (apply nuance where needed. My sympathies go out to folks, but I’m also not anyone’s mom here).

[Meme Voice] We Live in A Society [cringe slurping sounds] that has punished people for wanting what they want and having fun for...eons now. Many western societies (again, apply nuance where needed), there’s a common mindset of if everyone did what they wanted/had fun, nothing would get done.

I believe that sentiment is false. There are people who are ready and willing to do all types of jobs- dirty, tedious, mundane, stressful. Not everyone wants to be big, flashy, and/or rich levels of ‘successful.’ But when you don’t have good pay for some of these jobs, it makes it...IDK difficult?? Like there are people who are willing to dig through trash or deal with septic waste if it’ll keep them fed and off the streets...so to speak, you know?

There’s also a common mindset of not owning ones own body or not knowing what’s good for oneself- especially if you’re poor, ESPECIALLY if you’re a woman or fem, doubly to triply so if you’re not ‘white’ (of European descent either in appearance or by bloodline). So, especially in online spaces, there’s this common idea that people- especially poor, especially women and especially black, indigenous, or POC AREN’T supposed to ‘do what they want’ because otherwise “things” (cough.StatusQuo.cough.BullshitPowerStructures.cough) fall apart. Denying this in favor of “but I-” and “what ifs-” does nothing for anybody but the people in power who don’t want any of us to have any.

That said, I- being a black AFAB- have been raised to put my needs, wants, and happiness to the side to serve others. The consequences I’ve suffered from trying to do what I want or take care of myself often came to a threat to my safety or life. And if you’ve been in abusive dynamics, you know how that song and dance can go. It’s not something that “goes away” after you leave that environment. It takes y e a r s, years, and years, of work to undo the damage done by the systems in place and the people who serve those systems- blindly or consciously.

So this was a milestone for me. Something that may be obvious to some, but not to me- not really, anyway. I love art. I love laughter. I love deep topics. I love interacting with people...who aren’t disrespectful or weird (in a bad way). I love magic, spirituality, and being grounded and realistic while doing it. I love talking about what’s on my mind. I love being free to be my paradoxical self and I love interacting with people who are authentically themselves too (or people trying to achieve that in a healthy, respectful way). I shouldn’t have to feel bad or like I’m “doing it wrong” when- in my beliefs- most of us chose to be born on this planet to have that authentic experience on Earth.

Why complicate it? We aren’t all meant to be the same, living the same life with the same face on the same timeline. So why should I try to break my own wings? Why completely censor myself? Why can’t I be happy and write about it? LMAO!

Thank you again everyone for reading 🫰(✿◡‿◡)🫰

---

* Little Addittion: Reading back, I know how this may sound. I want to clarify that "being grateful for the people that bother you" doesn't mean "be grateful for the pain and/or suffering they bought into your life." More like "Be grateful they triggered you in a way that exposed internal issues that need to be delt with." Think of it as the person who doesn't like you pointing out there's a crack in your foundation. Sure, the messenger SUCKS, but now you know that crack is there. Examine, fill it using approprate methods and BOOM. Filled crack.

So now if those same people try to bother you with that 'crack,' it's no longer there. You sit pretty knowing they no longer trigger that issue. And- if you're very slightly petty- see them stew in the problems they try to distract themselves from...like paying too much attention to other people's cracks♥.

Ciao!

Then I took back my Power

And remembered I’m actually a bad bitch.

AKA- the Petty Series. Vol. 4 (final)

[25 Dec 2024- Merry Christmas]

So why am I saying this? This whole fuckshit felt like it’s been my personality for the better part of a year- to my bitter embarrassment.

Because I was just done.

My entire life has been defined by what I wasn’t doing. By what I did wrong and never seemed to get right. I judged my self worth and abilities on other people’s validation and my productivity. Time and time and time a-fucking-gain it just seemed like I’d fuck something up out of nowhere and suddenly nobody wanted anything to do with me. I was painfully sensitive to who didn’t like me, who was taking advantage of me, how other people felt and how it was my fault.

I. was. Just. Done.

The Vtuber saga was the final straw that broke every single mask I made for myself up to this point. The masks I had to wear irl because my undiagnosed neurodivergency made it obvious that I wasn’t ‘one of the normal kids’ or that I could never be ‘normal.’ I worked my ass off time and time and time again to be included by people and time and time and time again I was singled out, fucked over, fucked up, and abused. I was tired. I AM tired.

I started vtubing because I always wanted to stream. I’ve always wanted to create art for people. I’ve always wanted to express myself without feeling like someone was over my shoulder nit-picking, sabotaging, prodding, and backstabbing me. I just wanted to be a dumb clown that made people laugh because I know what it’s like to be so goddamn miserable and low all the time. I just wanted to help people because I know what it’s like to be locked in a mental prison and punished by ghost and personal demons..

I just wanted to be a good person. I just wanted to be a better person than the people who ‘raised’ me. I wanted to pay off the shame and karma I accrued being a bitch to people in the past-past. I never wanted to be anyone’s enemy. I just wanted to do what I felt was right and not feel like such a fucking space alien all the fucking time.

Nah though. Fate had different plans, apparently. Turns out I was so good at pissing people off that I turned entire communities against me by going with the flow and tying to keep my head down. And all it took was weird bitches being weird, disrespectful bitches being disrespectful, and fuckboys being fuckboys. Mother. Fucking. Joys. (sarcasm).

I’m just done.

I sabotaged myself time and time again because goddamnit, if anyone going to see me as a fuckup, it’s going to be on my terms. If people are going to hate me or not associate with me, it’s going to be for good reasons- not because some weird bitches who can’t stop doing weird bitch shit decided to create a narrative out of thin fucking air to bully me. I don’t care if my experience isn’t uncommon either, fuck sake I did NOTHING to these fucking people and they drug me to hell for shits and giggles

This is me giving myself the Christmas gift of self respect. I’m telling my side of the story and I’m not going to let petty bullshit, stupid algorithms, and weird stalkers scare me away because I seem to irritate demons and people who call themselves ‘evil’.

Full pun intended.

I deserve SOME fucking dignity in all this shit. So many people want to shut me down and up, when they never had to listen to me or get involved in the first fucking place. So many fucking people decided to keep punishing me long after I gave them space and walked away.

Well fuck that. Fuck all of that.

The upside is I learned some very valuable lessons having my worst nightmares manifest in such profound, drama-filled ways.

Vol 1. Don’t feed a bitch because she’s good at begging. ESPECIALLY don’t if she’s happy to use her kids or trauma to get more sympathy points. Same bitch will turn around and talk shit about you same way she talks shit about everyone. (Don’t DM her with vunerable stories. She WILL share it to other people).

Vol 2. The same bitches that will make you feel bad for being yourself are the same bitches who try to BE you and try to run you off the internet to feed their fucked up delusions.

Vol 3 Never. Meet. Your. Goddamn. Hero's. Ever. If things seem to friendly or too good to be true, 8/10 times it is. People with numbers are NOT my friend. And whatever fucking skeletons they have in their closet are the types they’re willing to project onto other people. Period.

Apparently I’m so controversial I need to be iced out and ignored. Fine. I’ll be the monster. I’ll be the boogyman. I’ll be the bitch they warned you about. I’ll be the scapegoat. I’ll be the menace. I’ll be the nightmare. I’ll be every single thing these half-baked, mask wearing, messy, W E I R D AS FUCK people want me to be. Fine, bitch.

Give me my goddamn Crown since ya’ll were so damn eager to put one on me.

As long as I’m me, I don’t fucking care. I’d rather lay my cards down and lose every fucking poker game for the rest of my life rather than be approved by people who can’t even be honest with themselves.

Merry Christmas.

Fuck ya’ll.

---

On the Flip Side, Tho

Getting this off of my chest was a boon to my sanity. I let this stupid gaggle of bitches fuck me over so hard I was missing just how many people in my life ACTUALLY support me and still stand by me despite my flaws. Cheering me on. Being happy for me. Encouraging me to speak up instead of stay silent and let it eat me alive.

Funny how people who try to force their issues onto you fail so miserably they actually help you to see how powerful you really are. In the end, I got the best Christmas gift in my entire life- the people by my side who helped me laugh through the bullshit and supported me through the dark shit.

So thanks. Even to the people who are reading this just to kill time or because you need a little bit of tea to sip. You guys are awesome too. I don’t think I would have made this website or even bothered if it weren’t for the people who are still in my life 🙏

Thank you ✿

And then MY dumbass decided to be a clueless slut.

Then the Universe (Source) asked, “Child, when will you learn?”

AKA- the Petty Series Vol. 3

[25 Dec 2024. Ho Ho Ho. Merry Woomas 🎉]

Trigger Warnings: My journal entry’s go to dark places. Take care of yourself first.

This is the part of the journal entries where I need to be careful about who I talk about and why. Reasons:

1. I do not know these people.

2. These people have connections deep/longstanding/big in the Content Creator Space. Though my reputation is in the sewers (assuming I even actually have one), it’s irresponsible to say/imply too much about people I don’t actually know, never met, and never had a direct conversations with (I don’t count chatting in Twitch chats or in Discord Group Calls as direct conversations).

3. I won’t deny I stepped on some toes, and made it obvious I wasn’t ‘brand friendly.’ The problem I have is that- despite me not knowing what the actual problems where- I changed my behavior and still got punished. The punishment occurred when it was pretty obvious at this point that I was streaming too.

4. There are other people who were involved in this drama that led further to my downfall/crash out. However, since I made poor decisions that damaged any reputation and standing between certain communities and individuals, they will be omitted. I’m stating this for transparency reasons. If you know who I’m talking about, please leave these people alone. I don’t want to cause anymore headaches for people I feel didn’t deserve it.

Let’s get started.

I got inspired to do Vtubing- despite my already ghastly experience in the space (vol 1 bitch before vol 2 bitches) because a content creator I had been following on YouTube- my first now former Oshi- had got his first Vtuber model. I was super happy for him and thought I should try it too. Not because I thought it was easy. I knew at this point a model was minimum $1k, but I really wanted a change. I needed something different. I was desperate to get away from that drama.

I started participating in his- and other’s- chats. Prior to this I wouldn’t dream of it because of obvious shy reasons. I was afraid that I would say something wrong, piss off the streamer, and sulk away with my tail between my legs . And to start, it was pretty good, I guess. Streamer-san spoke back. I was less nervous because the chat was so active I figured I’d just be appreciated but forgotten. That was the goal- to be heard but not really ‘seen’. To participate but not ‘get in the way’.

One day, former Oshi (O#1) raided into former Oshi 2 (O#2). I immediately became O#2’s fan because music and common interests. Both O’s had a gimmick where they lokey flirted with their chat/ said some sexual or purposefully cringe shit. O#2 was objectively a Lewdtuber and mostly streamed at night. I don’t know the extent of these people’s relationships. I never met these people and- even when I still liked them- never wanted too. I just knew they got along. Period.

Now, before I go on, I need to make this painfully clear: I have always believed in a wide, healthy boundary between Content Creators (or entertainers of any type) and their audience members. I have been chronically online for far too long and seen too much fuckshit to even think I could be actual friends with these people or get close to them. I have never wanted to and to this day I have no desire to. I’d rather be these people’s enemies than their friends, because at least then I know the boundary will always be maintained. Please keep this point in mind for later, when I get to O#3.

Now, O#2 has a wife (W) who also streams and has big numbers. She also runs in the same circles with O#1, and has collaborated with O#1 at least one time after I decided to leave their communities (Saw it on my main page. Hit that “do not recommend this channel” so fucking hard I nearly knocked my mouse on the floor).

O#1 is also a YouTuber who’s been in the scene for a while. O#2 isn’t as ‘big’ as O#1 per se, but collaborates with a. lot. Of other content creators. W also gets numbers…..but let’s just say when I went to her streams she was…………….more curt with my responses than the others. Weather it was the ‘tsundere’ act or genuine is irrelevant- I fucked off after that first encounter because IMO I wasn’t wanted. And after the fuckshit I went through, I wasn’t about to intentionally overstay my welcome.

I joined O#2’s Discord for a short time in order to- ngl- promote my art and potential make friends with other chat members. I post a fanart of O#2’s character model shirtless as his model was always shirtless all the time at that point. Also it’s not like there wasn’t other fanart of similar content in that discord. It’s not like I was the only one drawing shirtless O#2 content.

After that, I go into O#2’s chat. W goes from not really giving any sliver of a fuck to now getting aggroed when I sent messages. She (and O#2’s artist) popped off at me irratated. And I suspect it was me because it only ever happened when I typed in O#2’s chat.

Me throwing money at bitches didn’t help either (I used to like buying subs for Vtubers. I will not elaborate on my mental state at this time. Worry not, I am still financially stable).

Overall, it just seemed like O#2’s wife and lowkey his artist was no longer pleased with my presents in his chat. He didn’t seem to notice until...maybe the 4th time I was in his stream- where he went from greeting me and chatting with me like everyone else to actively ignoring my presents. [Foreshadowing is a literary divice-]. Not sure why this was because- and this is my opinion, mind you- it seemed like I was being seen as something I was not.

I guess the instance O#2 said he had a wife one moment….then said he didn’t the next...then went BACK to saying he had a wife again in his streams may have….IDK created some type of misunderstanding~. At the time I figured that O#2 was probably secretly in a group, and probably slipped up on a contract.

Out of respect I won’t explain who told me about secret VT groups and contracts. I’ll just say I know, and I really wasn’t taking anything seriously since- once more I had no intention of befriending this man, his wife, or any of his other friends like that, so whatever their relationship status was wasn’t my business.

Either way- despite me toning down the weirdness when it seemed like the atmosphere was changing, the damage was done. Eventually I stopped my sub with O#2 and set off to quietly be involved elsewhere.

‘Cept, yk O#2’s reach was so fucking far, that it seemed like any new Vtuber’s chat I was in either iced me out after receiving me warmly before. I ended up leaving a few other communities because whatever fucking sin I actually committed got under people’s skin I even had to stop following certain other Vtubers because O#2 started collaborating with them seemingly every other day.

It also seemed like O#1 was keen to this shit too, because one minute I was just another rando chatter saying stupid bullshit to being popped off at because I said- jokingly- “fuck happiness, we make art.” (It’s still a personal philosophy I have, as, the moment I’m ‘happy’ with my art is the moment I stop doing it. And I’m far too invested in this hyperfixation to stop doing it, fuck you very much SSSIR).

So I very much cut down on my Vtuber consumption rate when it was made clear that my dumbass was some type of problem. I guess they thought I was trying to steal their men. Which is interesting because it implies that I had a shot with them to begin with. IDK. I cheated on my ex, I’ll admit, but they weren’t with married men- just annoying dudes over the internet who liked ERP. Not exactly trying to be finessed into stupid bullshit after all the other stupid goddamn drama I was dragged into.

This brings us to Oshi #3. Now this is an...annoying fucking story to tell for many reasons.

1. because I caught feelings (embarassing) and

2. Because it involves W.

As much as I would LOVE (sarcasm) to relive the moment I realized I may have misread signals or potentially got led on, I’ll spare you that. I caught feelings for O#3. I confessed to O#3 in his Patreon Dm’s (of which he deleted. Not the DM’s, his Patreon page) not because I wanted him to reciprocate my feelings (which would have been horrifying) but because I was finding myself getting into a state of limerence, and I felt I needed to just be honest and suffer the consequences instead of potentially causing MORE drama in a community over jealousy.

That was my way of cutting ties. To this day I have not returned back to that man’s streams or socials. I have no intention to under any circumstance.

“But what does this have to do with W?” Good question!

Well, originally, when I found O#3 it was because he was on my main page for a while and I figured I’d finally check out his streams. I came for his cool Vtuber model. I stayed because he’s a good voice actor. I liked his personality! A lot of people did!

Especially W when she came in...IDK maybe after the 3rd stream I attended for O#3. She came in, said “You model was cool!” Followed, bought a sub, and was going on and on about how nice his voice was (many people said that) and how cool his model was (many people also said this), etc, etc. She went on for a bit though. When I saw it I said nothing. Again, it was none of my business. I didn’t like W and W didn’t like me, but I wasn’t about to butt into anything. I just found it suspicious when W pulled a disappearing act as soon as I asked dude about some fanart I was planning to draw him. There one minute. Gone the next.

Weird behavior, considering she was barking at me when she suspected I was flirting with her H U S B A N D. A man who happily exclaimed “YO YOU GUYS SHOULD CHECK OUT THIS SONG I MADE WITH MYYYY WIFFFEEEEEEEE” during one of his subathon streams.

TOTES

NOT

SUS

AT

ALLLLLLL (extreme sarcasm).

IDK I JUST THINK THE ENTIRE SITUATION WAS HELLA WEIRD. It also seemed after that that MORE Vtubers were avoiding me after that.

Now, there could be many reasons for this- see my admitting multiple times that I called myself trying to help some troubled teens who were fucking around in 18+ lewdtuber chats. YK. It could be because I had bad blood with some bitches from FFXIV who already demonstrated weird behavior or because I had bad blood with another Vtuber in the space who still has some reach, despite my disdain for her.

But that would be a weird thing to speculate...because that would imply that BB#1 and BB#2 (see vol 2) also got involved as they knew how I felt about O#3, and I’ve already explained how messy those w e i r d bitches are.

Tbh, IDK

There were other...issues with O#3, but it veers into the territory of Spiritually and ‘woo woo’ shit. I’ll be honest, I’d rather not. I do suspect some not-easy-or-even-possible-to-prove shit was going down between not just these parties, but all of the aforementioned people in this series. But I’m not trying to explain the unwanted dreams I’ve had concerning these people. It creeps me out even thinking about it. I’m just saying THIS, because I have very publicly already said some crazy shit about it. I do not wish to disclose or speculate on anything- even if this shit actually DID happen. It’s too weird to think about- random people I don’t know trying to cast spells on me because they have it in their mind that I potentially deserved that for some wild goddamn reason.

What I WILL say is I did MANY cord cuttings on everyone mentioned here (and their friends and their aquaintences). All but one was successful -_-...which is O#3. Without going into even more woo woo shit, and frustration from people telling me to “just talk to him” again [like...???] I would fight this grown-ass man in the back of a Denny’s parking lot (in Minecraft or whatever).

Anyway, we are now here. I don’t want to go back over the situation I had with my former mod. I know he was stalking me after I booted him out for sabotage and further slander. Former Mod was well aware if my issues and insecurities in the Vtuber community and my frustrating feelings towards O#3. He also made it clear he was very comfortable hurting people’s reputation and doing some troubling shit in order to get his way. I’m not going over that can of worms again. He’s on my Wall of Shame. He’s not a decision I regret because I genuinely did try to help this kid- as I saw myself in him.

Nope. Learned my lesson. All it took was me burning every fucking bridge I never really had o7.

Then again, if they were supposed to be in my life, they would still be.

So more like a gift from Source (✿◡‿◡)🫰

Part 2 of the “Plunging my Numbers” challenge

AKA- the Petty Series. Vol. 2

[24 Dec 2024. Merry-Frickin-Christmas Eve]

[TW- This specific entry will mention some disturbing subjects. Please take a step away if you find things getting to be too much.]

[Let me also say that I make a lot of claims about the state of people’s mental health. No, I am not a doctor. You shouldn’t take anything I read as medical advice or a professional opinion. I had a fascination with psychology and mental health issues due in part to my own trauma and because I was always interested in it. I am not diagnosing anyone. All I’m saying is- if it walks, quacks, swims and looks like a duck, it’s probz not a turkey]

Lets talk about the Final Fantasy Bitches.

I’m really sick of talking about these bitches. After I (finally) left the Lux (venue), after many clues that I overstayed my welcome and the Queen Bit-I mean Bee was sick of my shit, I went to work at another venue. This venue was owned by a petty bitch who LOVED to talk shit and pass herself off as some Mother Teresa type. Also shares pictures of her kid. Wouldn’t be a problem...cept the company she keeps are….not really the types I’d trust with children, tbh.

“People won’t stop messenging meeeeeeeeeee. Even if I have the DND on my Discorrrrrrrddd”

Maybe ignore them???

It was thinks to this blue bitch that I met another set of blue bitches and a fire-based fuckboy. I’ve popped off about these people before. Hell, the SECOND blue bitch was the subject of my first popoff on Twitch. But we’ll get to that later.

I joined Blue B #1’s venue in FFXIV because I just wanted to bartend. I just wanted to be a bartender. I thought that shit was cool on the RP side of things. By this time I was so tired of drama that I made it my mission to mind my goddamn business and leave people alone.

Which I did.

I RP’d making drinks in a very unconventional way because I have no knowledge of bar tending IRL and I wasn’t about to study for hours just so I can write “accurate descriptions”. Nobody corrected me directly or spoke to me about it, and the customers didn’t really seem to care. So I assumed it was fine. Thing was though I was dealing with the type of bitches that will talk shit to you in front of your face but not to you directly. Like “I don’t like when people do (actions that I do when I RP)” BluB#1: “Yeah it’s like annoying”

By this time- because I was so used to this type of behavior- I just ignored it. I didn’t care. I wasn’t about to change up my style because a bitch who’s brave enough to leak other people’s business about anal trysts with married men in Canada wasn’t brave enough to engage in direct confrontation. Not my fucking problem. I was watching YT vids while waiting for these meetings to end. If you don’t have the spine to be direct, you don’t get a direct response. Period.

Anyway, I got involved with a fuckboy who was a manager at this venue. TL;DR- dude was in love with a person that BB#1 was dating.

[And let me just get this out of the way. BB#1 was on again/off again dating a Sociopathic, mega abusive, forces-people-to-RP-about-granny-granchild-rape-incest..cult leader. I’ll call her a cult leader. Actually racist- according to this black IRL fuckboy I was fucking with “but if you don’t let her walk all over you she’s fine” [clown noises]. BB#1 isn’t poly, but Sociopath G’ bitch openly had a side piece who was also engaging in this disturbing RP cult. I don’t mean just in game. SocioGBitch actually bought SidePiece-chan with her on a date with BB#1. That’s as far as I’m going airing out dirty laundry. I’m a bitch, but not THAT big of a bitch. Ask the right people and I’m sure their toxic, messy asses will happily spill that tea.]

Anyway, I pissed off fuckboy Jones by disapproving of his interactions with Sociopath G Bitch. He- knowing I have baggage and damage- started gaslight, gatekeep, girlbossing my ass covert narcissist style and “took a break” AKA; put me on the hook while playing around with other catgirls. A simple “yeah let’s split” would do it as it REALLY wasn’t serious just dumb slut shit, but he decided to give me the “I just need time” shit. It hurt because we actually bonded. My stupid ass fell for yet anooooooother toxic relationship! WOO!

This was the moment I decided that being with people- even for play ERP- wasn’t for me and if I was going to be a slut, I was going to be a free one. But I digress.

The pain I felt from this betrayal was so bad I- stubborn and stupid to keep my bartending gig- bought it up to BB#1. Her response- after sending her screenshots and recorded video of evidence of abuse- was “you should talk it out with him.” I said “fuck no. I’m not ‘talking it out’ with my abuser!?”

After that she made a Discord Status saying something along the lines of “I’m not doing your work for you.”

She didn’t push it far after I- in a long, private, Discord call- explained how fucked up it was that this fuckboy has a history of this shit. And how it was also hella fucked up that her sociopath girlfirend who also brutally abused other employees (BB#2, BB#3, and Bard-chan) was allowed to come and go as she pleased with her batshit possie of even weirder bitches in their G cult. BB#1 acted like she understood...but CONVENIENTLY didn’t pass that memo to another hardly-present, barely-there manager. So when fuckboy jones was about to pass me my gil-check, I unplugged my landline so I can fake “my shitty net dropping” and thought about my next move...since I couldn't seem to find joy in this MMO I sunk so much time into anymore. Yayyy tainted joy (sarcasm)!! I tried to hold on to it, but in the end I’m pretty sure I’m not renewing my sub. Bye bye medium house. It was fun to decorate you~

Now, BB#2, BB#3 and Bard-chan were people I didn’t really associate with closely until fuckboy pulled his stunt and I pulled mine (which was part of the reason the venue shut down before being revived to whatever Sociopath G bitch and her smegma coated crew replaced it with...from what I heard). Yeah we did some ‘sidequest RP’s’ and some FFXIV game shit together but we weren’t close. BB#2 approached me, adopted me into her group and we became… ‘friends’.

Now here’s where I make part speculation, part pattern reading. BB#2 is a bitch I stopped trusting when she decided to keep in contact with SocioG and BB#1 (who had a melt down and that caused a lot of people to not fuck with her) “just to prove a point.” Again, BB#2, #3, and their friend Bard-Chan where so brutally traumatized by SocioG and the smegma coated G crew that I read one of the roleplays featuring…to put it delicately- super fucked up, super bloody domestic abuse maybe before or after hearing about being forced to RP a forced pregnancy that Bard-Chan never wanted their character to go through with. IDK I think it’s pretty weird to play Machiavelli [Further Context: Dark Triad Traits ] with someone you allegedly don’t actually want to associate with anymore. You know, because G bitch walks talks and acts like your classic run-of-the-mil Narcopath.

But, you know, I stayed with the group [clown noises]. Because they helped me and I figured their trauma brain was going burrt.

Nope.

BB#2 clearly had some…..strange affinity to me, because she went from nice heart-to-hearts, to mean bitching me in a groupchat I have long since left. Hell BB#2 probably kept that and other group chats so she could screenshot me saying “I’m going to do some Machiavellian shit” and so on to whatever I was plotting with the bitch in Vol 1. (Spoiler alert, it was me clamoring for protection because vol 1 bitch loooooooooves to talk shit. Talks shit about damn near everybody and I was afraid of being sabotaged. Whole lotta fuckin’ good that did me~ [sarcasm])

At this point I realized I had no goddamn friends amonst this group. I figured BB#2 had some weird fixation with me when I got inspired by my first Former Oshi (featured in Vol 3) to start my OWN Vtuber journey (Octo-on-dumb-bitch-juice-go-BURRT). This was around the time where I first arrived in the scene and started participating in chats- something that I would never do years before because I was afraid of making a fool out of myself and fucking things up. Again, we’ll get to that later. I started streaming shortly after…

Then so did she.

I started a Twitter because I figured Twitter was a good way to build an audience. She was my mod on Twitch for...like 5 minutes before buying her own model (minimum 1k) and starting streaming. Her numbers blew up overnight before she dropped another fat bankroll on yet another model. I was lucky to have still-good-friends stop by to say hi. Whatever, I think, I don’t have many friends. I’m going to be working harder anyway.

Anyway, on Twitter- I make a post. She makes a post. I make a notepad post. She makes a notepad post. I stop talking in the GC because I got sick of BB#2,#3, and Bard-chan’s inconsistent behavior, she make a post featuring an AI generated cake. At the time I was going by Cakeberry or Cake. I talk in the GC, nobody talks to me and BB#2 keeps trying to 1up me. When I stop talking, it’s all “Cake are you alright? Is everything good??”

I was so physically and mentally uncomfortable being associated with these bitches at this point that I was contemplating a lot of choices. I felt like I was between a rock and a hard place because I was associated with 2 TOXIC vtuber groups (I was still associated with Vol 1 bitch’s group).

The final straw was when another regular at the now-closed-venue formally owned by BB#1 hosted his own venue event. BB#2 was acting weird. I thought she was playing a character. I’m already disillusioned with RP and FFXIV. I was trying to start my streamer life and abandon my FFXIV life. Customers would talk to me, and happily RP with me- sometimes coming back for seconds. Next thing I know people avoided me. And not the “naw I just wanna chill” type of avoid. But like- friendly to COLD avoid.

Common denominator: BB#2.

I don’t know for sure. But it just seemed like the more I was around these blue bitches, the more miserable I felt. But I couldn't just leave...for reasons. Without giving away tooooooo much business, BB#2 isn’t the type you just...leave. She has her own issues and demons she’s dealing with. Thing was she was making her demons my problem. I was tired. I was so very tired of this weird toxic shit.

BB#1 ended up having several ‘moments’ and abandoning her venue. A cute little event happened that pretty much ended in everyone quitting and the venue shutting down. Based on BB#2 and #3’s descriptions in the GC, it was probably SocioB’s plan. Shock to no-one. The Sociopath is a crybaby who’ll throw a tantrum and destroy shit if she doesn’t get her way. Cue my ‘shocked’ face. Do you see it? Do you see how surprised I am? -_-

Whatever. I ended up forming a temp alliance (emphasis on ALLIANCE) with BB#1 because bitch from vol 1 still has more power in terms of numbers and clout and BB#1 had already been streaming for over a year or two at this point. TL;DR I was looking for ‘safety’…..that worked against me too.

The drama was a headache. By this time, BB#2 and BB#1 were back on speaking terms despite BB#1 voicing disdain for BB#2. Why? I don’t remember a this point. Their drama got so convoluted. I had my poppoff with BB#2. We split. BB#1 and are are talking in a VC about how BB#2 was always an attention junkie who did some weird shit and lacked originality, and would pick up and put down identities on the RP side same way someone changed their underwear- especially if it was popular.

BB#1 was “worried that BB#2 would finally get the attention she wanted.” I told BB#1 I didn’t care. She and her weird friends were out of my life. I don’t care if BB#2 loses it all, becomes prom queen, or supreme dictator of cat-based-ffxiv-based-vtubers. I was ready to move the fuck on. BB#1 goes quiet like she always did when I talked to her, and a week later I see she’s still collaborating and associating with BB#2- despite this bitch telling me she didn’t care for BB#2’s bullshit just a week before.

BB#1 and I split when I went into her Twitter DM’s and told her we should split. Her response: “YOU WERE PLANNING ON LEAVING ME IN THE FIRST PLACE, WEREN’T YOU? JUST ADMIT IT! THAT’S YOUR PLAN TOO! PRETTY MANIPULATIVE TO NOT REACT THIS WAY. YOU WERE ALWAYS GOING TO LEAVE! JUST ADMIT IT”

I said “yes.” because at this point I was to sick and tired of weird bitches being weird. I don’t care if it was an obvious sign of trauma on her part, or if it made me seem like the most evil bitch this side of the internet. Other people’s trauma- especially grown ass people- were not my responsibility.

I was thankful she blocked me and didn’t proceed to stalk me behind the scenes like I suspect BB#2 was doing for a while until it became inconvenient. But that’s just speculation. These bitches were so weird and sticky I figured the BEST way to cut ties was to make it SUPER OBVIOUS I did not want to associate with them or their friends anymore.

PS- BB#1 wanted to open a Bar IRL. I don’t know if she actually has yet. But please take this entire shit show as a warning- a person who is willing to excuse disgusting behavior in a videogame and cosign majorly abusive behavior is probably going to do the same thing to an irl employee as she did to me and the rest of us. Imagine working a bar and a manager- with a history of sexual harassment and running off workers- sexually harasses or engages with a worker inappropriately, and the owner’s response is “you’re going to have to talk” to the manager who harassed you.

It’s all just a fucking videogame until real people get hurt. But, you know. That’s what I get for being stupid, or whatever.

Learned my lesson with this lot. Learned it hard.

'Clout chasing' for those sweet sweet numbers✿

AKA- the Petty Series. This entry is Vol. 1

[24 Dec 2024. Merry-Frickin-Christmas Eve]

[TW- My journal entries go to some dark places. I will mention suicide and probably describe troubling things. The suicide hot-line is here . My heart goes out to you, but understand I am nobody’s parent. If you feel like it’s getting to be too much, take a step back and CARE FOR YOUR HEALTH FIRST.]

This is for documentation purposes. I’m not trying to get people to join my Discord to see the Hall of Shame to see a point of reference. This is just me being another generic bitter bitch online. This is my way of leaving the past behind me. This is also my way of getting back at some mean bitches. It’s a lil’ Christmas Gift to myself~

Feel free to copy and paste this to your friend’s DM’s so you can point and laugh at making the weird kid cry.

Anyway~✿

I’m starting this story at the very beginning. Like, pre-pre streaming.

Once upon a time, I got into some nasty headspaces and ended up gravitating towards the types of YouTubers who still drop the ‘r’ slur and still act like Newgrounds kids (edgy, disrespectful, elitist, and overall horrible). My ex-boyfriend, a not-virgin incel type who acted more like a teenage boy than a grown ass man (he is 2 months older than me) pressured me into FFXIV the same way he pressured me into all types of things I had no actual interest in. But I thought I “””loved””” him at the time, so I stayed. For. Nearly. Two. Years. In a clearly toxic relationship, filled with animosity.

I suppose now is a good time to admit this. Yes, incel-loser-kun, I DID actually cheat on you by ERPing with motherfuckers in FFXIV. You were correct. I did lie. Same way you lied to me over, and over, and over, and over again in our relationship and tried to make ME seem like I was the one who needed therapy when you shiver like a leaf if nobody is talking in a VC Discord call...and thinks foreskin is SO disgusting, that you go on loud, 45 minute rants about how disgusting they actually are for some strange reason. Oh and is bisexual, but only wants straight children because you want grandchildren, but you make ‘jokey’ excuses to OK pedo-shit in Japanese media. Oh and...looses your mind if nobody takes your half baked advice...even though nobody should have to, since most of your days you sit and play videogames and shitting yourself over the idea of someone judging you for hitting up the same gas-station twice in one week, and go into MORE long, booming rants about people not having the same opinion as you.

Don’t worry though- they dropped me as soon as I broke it off with you because I wasn’t interesting to them anymore. So you got your revenge there. Yes, they DID work at the Lux. Yes, they DID actually activate the slip-n-slide! I wasn’t broken! You were just disgusting!! Muah✿!

The reason why I preface all of this hoopla is to explain why I came on to the streaming scene so strong. See my job (high-stress and literally high-suicide-rate) and my ex (and two of his worthy-of-more-respect-but-still-garbage-human-beings friends) had broken down the little bit of confidence I had procured over my twenty-something years of life into a tiiiiiiiny little shell of a human. I desperately wanted new friends because I needed an escape from the already disturbing things and people I was subjected to for a decade at this point.

Needless to say, this led me to my first Vtuber enemy. I’m not going to say her name or give her a nickname. I’m extending THAT much respect because we both have seen eachother’s faces, know each other’s real names, and did business with each other until I got sick of her microaggressions. “Would you do some art for a fellow POC?” Would you stop acting like you’re actually Asian? Bitch and I are from the same state and I promise you she’s indistinguishable from any generic white Karen roaming about.

I also know WAAYYYYY too much about her relationship with her spouse. TOO much about their relationship. Farrrr too much. But what can I say? When I pick up my phone, and the first thing I hear is complaints about home-girl’s husbando not being a good enough husbando while also being “soooo poor” and “in bad paiiiinnnn” all the time, I kinda start regretting the moment I got too attached.

But I gotta say- my bleeding heart ass got hella swindled by this one. That’s on me. I PROBABLY should have realized I was getting played when you consider the woman puts more into her heavily-accessorized, very articulated, very shiny Vtuber model, with minimum 2 outfits, 3 hairstyles, and cute little sparkly-warkly details scattered about~. Or, like, when she was more willing to drop bank on new Discord emotes or m u l t I p l e (in the 10s) pictures for a massive DnD campaign, or a shiny penny on a fully voiced intro (I’m just going to say, you can tell it’s not cheap or self made), or even MORE on small assets that she pays for on Vgen and pays her PAPA (Vtuber term: a person who rigs models. MAMAs- which she also has...who’s also on a payroll- do the art and sometimes assets for one or multiple models) to rig for. Let me say too, neither her nor her husband have templated out-of-the-box models. They are well drawn and well rigged. That alone runs minimum a thousand dollars. Hers and his probably cost closer to 2k.

And I wouldn’t even give a fuck about this bitch if it wasn’t for the fact that she has kids and animals living with her in an apartment. In a gated complex...in one of the more expensive parts of our home state. Like, I get it- THAT particular state is on some fuckshit with the rent laws...but don’t you think you’d spend a little more on trying to be less broke and dependent? Like I know we’re ‘investing in our business.’ Kudos, boss babes, but...like...IDK. If I was struggling financially and I got money for my streams- despite constantly doxxing and yelling at your child every 5 minutes during said stream and breaking down into tears when something scrapes your fickle trauma bone- I’d probably try to save up to find a better place to live or get your untrained service dog retrained. I DEFINITELY wouldn’t spend it on a future Vtber model for you favorite- I mean, youngest baby child you can’t seem to stop doting over.

Also, babes, your husband is half black. Why the actual fuck are you saying shit like “fellow POC” to my fully black ass when you’re still cosplaying a wasian like one of those annoying weeb kids from Highschool? Bitch you are older than me. Grow the fuck up.

PS- I have full range to be unprofessional when you take advantage of my kindness, low-key bully me in VC’s, waste my time and not respond back to DM’s when negotiating prices for YOUR fickle requests, and further wasting my time because you can’t be on time for shit and you’re so desperate for attention you censor me for ‘ya trauma’ (“GUYS I HAVE TRAAAMUAHHHHH YOU CAN’T TALK ABOUT THAT!!! I DISSOCIATE!!!”), but turn around and talk about those very things with your enabling ass friends in front of ppl’s face. Yes, I know she does this shit with everyone. No I do not care. This is MY trauma response. Suck both these middle fingers

Babes, if you were jealous, you could have just said so~. After all, I didn’t stay with the man who got me so rallied up I needed to trauma-dump to randos I freshly meet over the internet. I just broke up with mine!

(Saved me a lot of money too~ maybe it’ll work for you...if you learn to budget a little better♥)

Till next time, folks! ✿

More venting from a person cosplaying as a jellyslime

[22 Dec 2024]

Gear Grinders of the day:

✿ People wanting a solution to a problem, then rejecting that solution because the messenger or the packaging wasn’t what they expected.

✿ People rejecting the solution because they didn’t want that specific solution. They wanted "another one" (as though that’s actually relevant to the problem)

✿ People wondering where it all went wrong after they reject the messenger, the packaging, or the solution themselves

If I wasn’t meant to be here, I wouldn’t be. Call it a hunch, but there’s a good reason why I’m still alive. Problem is it can be hard to see when I- and yes I’m taking it personally- am the messenger with the package.

There’s a YouTuber who does documentaries who wants to know how we can keep posting kids online without it being a danger. They want for families to be able to do it because not everyone is out to exploit their kids for social media building.

Issue with that is that is being online with your kids face showing- regardless of intent- is dangerous because there are people who pray off of it and exploit it. Thanks to gen AI and people making deepfake porn, there is no ethical way to put your kids faces online without putting them in danger.

Either keep their faces offline, or push for a solution that fixes the massive pedo-sex trafficking creep industry we have buried under the iceburg.

“But I want THIS solution”

Cept ignoring that little sex-trafficking, AI deepfake detail may lead to more damage such as...idk-kids growing up to find there’s some random deepfake porn of them on a porn website somewhere. They can’t get the video taken down because not every porn site gives a damn or complies.

“But there are othert-” I SINCERELY do not care. The problem is there because people wanted to install tile on rotting flooring- so to speak. You wanted the solution YOU WANTED and you didn’t want to take care of the overlaying problem preventing you from having what YOU want. Now you have exploited kids AND more frustration because we got wrapped up in the details instead of managing the problem.

In spirituality (or whatever you want to call it), there’s a trick to manifestation and spellcasting: detach from the outcome.

If you get wrapped up in the small details- how you want it, when you want it, where you receive it, who you receive it from, what they’re wearing, what you’re wearing, how you wear it, etc, etc, etc.- you wont get it.

So that money spell you spent so much time on isn’t happening. People will be like “Oh but the economy, darling. You can’t cast money spells. They don’t work because this that and the third and whatever” Nah, not really. It’s simpler than that, but for the sake of this example: You’re too busy eyeing that spell you bought trying to figure out why you have no money in your account. ‘Set and forget’ not ‘set and watch like a hawk, ignoring the rest of life because you’re desperate for a dollar.’

For manifestation, lets use a puppy an an example. You want a puppy and expect that puppy to come through the mail. So you check your mailbox or front porch or stoop or whatever for this puppy. You don’t get any puppies. You get upset you’re not getting your mail puppy. You throw manifestation in the trash because you didn’t get exactly what you wanted, how you wanted, when you wanted. You think it’s all garbage and think everyone is lying to you who does it- because it didn’t work for you specifically. Meanwhile, there was a perfectly good puppy at the kennel you probably could have gotten for free or- IDK- if you took a walk around your neighborhood, you may have been approached by the cuttest furbaby on 4 paws ever. Instead you missed that puppy because you were to focused on the mailbox or on the method of reception.

“B-But I didn’t want to walk!!”

“B-But I wanted it in the mail!”

“B-But I can’t go to the kennel-”

“B-but-butboutbutbutbutbut”

Then you get nothing. Then you get mad at the people getting something. Then you get mad when shit works out for other people. Or you get mad when they aren’t mad like you if they don’t get it. Or you get HELLA mad when someone else get’s MORE than they asked for. They wanted a corn-chip, but they get about 3 bags in 3 different flavors and a free visit to a corn-chip factory.

Shrug.

I’ve learned to let people who ask for solutions but nit-pick over the details just rot. Before I would fight, I would get frustrated, I would let it run deep. Gotta love that trauma. Can’t rip it out of your body, can’t let it rule your life. Just like any scar that leaves a mark- it’s there weather you deal with it or not. I realized the issues I’ve had with the people who bought me into this world gave me several complexes. I’ve had to come to terms with being told “But I still think you’re wrong” or “Your solution isn’t good enough” when nobody is giving a better idea and everyone wants...IDK what they want, but they don’t want an actual solution. Maybe an ego boost..but an ego boost isn’t solving a problem. It’s an ego boost.

Just let it rot.

Let the tower fall. Let people fail. Let them cry or get mad when the not-solution to their problem either makes the problem worse or does nothing to improve circumstances. If rotting means more severe consequences for them...then shrug.

“But what if you’re in that situation too and the consequences also affects you?” Simple. I abandon the people holding me back and do what I need to do to survive in the situation.

“But that’s really cold!”

Yup.

“B-but what if you’re stuck with them and-” I didn’t stutter.

You want to deny the solution because “It’s too this or that” or the messenger doesn’t suit your (hyper) specific criteria, I’m leaving you and the rest for better solutions. My entire life has been either suffering from stupid solutions after being pressured (forced) to bite my tongue or breaking off from the group because they want to put themselves up shit’s creek to get across the river when I’d rather just find a few logs in a good place or find a crossing. My ass is playing knucklebones with Mr. Freeze and Elsa from Frozen if it means I can do that without smelling like river shit or- even worse- drowning in it.

Then- when the people in the raft finally make it to the cottage 3 hours behind schedule, caked in 40 other people’s digested lunch- folks get mad at me because without telling them so, I told them so.

“Your solutions don’t always work though” Nope. But they don’t have to. A 70% success rate isn’t 100% or 90% but it’s still far better than 50% or 10%.

Or just zero.

“You think you’re so much better because-” Yeah I just cut off people who think like this. If life is a competition for you, do not talk to me. I am sick of these people gunkng up gears because they want to be first place in everything. ‘If the idea doesn’t come from me it’s a bad one’ headasses are the main ones complaining that shit doesn’t go right for them (or they blame it on other people like loser crybabies~). Oh and they’re also the reason there’s no progress, IMO. When life’s a competition and your meat-head is too busy trying to win invisible rewards, the rest of us suffer (and you do too). Maybe save it for an actual competittion or, IDK, leave us out of your dipshit-ass plots.

I know I don’t have all the answers. I don’t WANT all the answers. I want to live as easy a life as possible with as little fight or struggle as possible where possible. Sometimes means taking the long road. Sometimes it means putting your ideas and solutions aside if or when a better one comes along. Sometimes you sacrifice a pawn. Sometimes you cut your losses. Sometimes you just fucking lose. Who cares? If I want a puppy, I’m not going to get attached to how I get that puppy. If I receive a gift, I’m not going to bellyache and bawl that it’s not wrapped in silks and satins delivered by Fabio. IDK, it seems pretty dumb to me to reject a boon because it’s not wrapped in your favorite wrapping paper.

Does this make me a bitch? Good. Half my problem was that I wasn’t bitchy enough. I let people walk all over me because I wanted to keep the peace. I went along with their bullshit because I didn’t want to seem like a “bossy know-it-all” who’s “difficult.” Where did that get me? Up that goddamn shit-filled creek with a bunch of idiots who deadass thought it was a good idea. I fucking hate that creek. I lowkey have resentment for people who put themselves there to prove a dumbass point.

I’m glad the Pisceian era is over. I’m glad I that era and it’s moon-brained, hyperidealistic, detail-critical-crybaby energy is at least a degree behind us. Maybe it’s my Virgo placements (it’s very definitely my Virgo placements), but it’ll be nice to see the metaphorical house get abandoned or torn down because people wanted new tiles and chandeliers before they wanted to fix the foundation and skeleton.

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet...

[21 Dec 2024]

Trigger Warnings: I talk about my trauma. Abuse, suicide, neglect and other dark topics will come up. The suicide hotline site is here

This morning, I woke up with way too many thoughts bouncing around in my head. I was imagining my next journal post and a part of me felt like my world was sliding sideways. I mean it when I say I don’t want to write about myself. Problem is if I don’t, the thoughts wont stop.

I vent a lot. A general tarot reader I watch was saying something about certain members of the collective “writing a book about all the things they’ve been though.” I said “no” out loud to my screen because I don’t actually want to relive that trauma. I want to write fiction. I want to draw pictures. I want to make comics.

Then YT said “Hyuck! Watch our ads or don’t watch vids! Huhuhuhua!!”

So whatever. Here we are.

As of writing this, I had a moment in my front page’s News feed about new energies coming in and introducing myself. This decision came after years of rejection, purposeful misunderstandings, nit-pickings and bullying. This shit started in the household with two delusional, co-dependent humans I call the egg and sperm donor. They're the types to dangle love and validation on a carrot above all their kids while being dramatic, condescending, gas-lighting, clueless and insecure. One who can’t seem to wrap their heads around any aspect of reality, and plays victim to the many thoughts in their head while the other pushes themselves further into the grave trying to prove themselves to ghosts. Imagine only being talked to when something is wanted from you. Imagine being barked at for not doing something you weren’t asked to do, then being barked at for not doing it well enough. Imagine being a child then having a booming, towering man yell at you for being "too" childish- while the egg donor sits quietly in the background doing fuckall.

Imagine BOTH of those idiots coming back AFTER your life fell to pieces selling you some bullshit like “I always stood up for you” or “that’s why we always wanted you to talk when you were a child.” No the fuck you didn’t. Both of you thought I was always lying about e v e r y t h i n g. You didn’t believe anything we said or did. You acted like we were trying to manipulate you the same way you manipulate everyone else!!

I hate talking about my past because It’s paved in trauma. Why do I want to recount the times I nearly met death because of car trouble, only to have one “parent” shrug it off and the other pretend I was being dramatic? Or the time I was being sexually harassed or received unwanted touching and questions from complete strangers while the egg and sperm donor just...w a t c h e d. Did nothing. Said nothing. But LOVE love love love love to act like they were always there and they always cared.

I experienced horrible bullying at my job. Egg donor: “they sound like they like you, teehee~” Sperm donor: “Welcome to the real world! Hyuck!”

Please also understand that the two people who tried so hard to give birth to me laughed at my pain and encouraged family members to bully or hurt me too. Common in the black community. TOO common. “You can’t be telling our business! What if white people see!?” How about you stop looking for reasons to torture and pimp out your kids, then we can discuss what white people do and don’t see, hm?

Maybe if we stopped trying to be perfect on the surface and actually deal with the generational trauma accrued by THREE CENTURIES of slavery and minimum ONCE CENTURY post slavery slavery , we could actually solve our problems. But that’s a conversation for another time~

Like, these two fuckwits don’t care if I live or die and I was (emphasis on WAS) the Golden Child in the dynamic. When my oldest sister left and worked her ass off to never have to come back (kudos to her), my roles changed. Some days I was the Scapegoat. Some days I was the Golden. Most days I was Forgotten.

And how the fuck do you explain that to people back in the early 2000s? Hell, NOW, people know what emotional abuse and neglect is. But back then you were “lying for attention” or “being a crybaby?”

Same types of people who don’t want to believe painful memories are the same ones who’ll believe your bully because the halo effect.

“They can’t be like that.” Are you fucking joking???

How many TV personalities, movie stars stars, content creators and other people committed crimes and got away with it because they’re pretty or have a lot of numbers? You want to believe the person paid to keep your attention and selling you a fake identity isn’t capable of having an affair with you or your co-stars wife? Or making up life-ending rumors just to keep the spotlight? Or threatening to hurt or kill themselves so you’ll stay with them? How about stalking? Or lying? Or sadism? Or pedophilia? Or murder or advocating for murder or genocide or whatever?? You want to believe a pretty bitch can’t be evil incarnate? Then you wanna be like “ohhh noooooo how could this happennnnnnnnnn!?!?” when they finally those things? Be fucking serious. Lucifer isn’t just a selling point for edgy companies, he’s a goddamn allegory that not enough people seem to grasp the concept of.

You can’t expect the same people who will lie, hurt, and torture you for attention to be your actual friend. You can’t actually live in a world that supports crybaby parasites. I’m sick of people humanizing people with these types of problems because my parents are more common than not. Making excuses for this behavior is why people like my parents are in places in power, running platforms, pushing algorithms, making messes, and doing whatever other fuckshit they’re doing to make life unlivable for everyone else around them.

No, I don’t care if you had it “better” or “worse.” I don’t care if the cycle of abuse made you sympathetic towards abusers. I really don’t’ care. Suffering isn’t a competition and you aren’t a good person because you excused the behaviors of fucked up people you “forgave”. I walked that path too and all I got was nearly 30 years of depression, anxiety, and isolation. All I got was nearly 30 years of learning how to get into these monster’s heads and turning their methods against them so I wouldn't fucking off myself. All I got was becoming them, hating it because I don’t actually like hurting or manipulating people. All I got was contempt for my fellow man who didn’t seem to care or give a shit. All I got was well poisoning and manipulation. I got was berated and accused of manipulation when I decided to stay in my lane and mind my business.

All I got was spiritual gifts that- tbh- make me MORE unrelateable. That make me MORE isolated. I got obsidian sharp intuition because my parents taught me nothing and set me up for failure. I got people who lied to my face and sabotaged me even when I suspected they would but, you know, didn’t want to judge anyone so I gave them the benefit of the doubt (clown noises). All I got was dreams of people who wanted to rape me, or kill me, or watch me suffer until I started lighting candles and cutting chords! Did I ever mention that I dreamed of my first Oshi WELL AFTER he popped off at me in his chat? He was standing next to a merman and pretending we were friends (It’s funny because he’s a certain type of furry! It’s also funny because merfolk are a bad omen in dreams)!

This after dreaming of his friend’s wife who ALSO did some meangirl shit? WEIRD since I actively didn’t sit in their chats after they made it clear they didn’t want me there. Weirder still how people who should have never cared about me- being such a small fish in a fat fucking ocean- was appearing in my dreams and only seemed to stop after I either popped off in my streams about them or started doing chord cutting rituals too.

But how could that be so? They’re just dreams, right? Besides what would people I’ve never met and hadn’t seen for months at that point be doing in my dreams? I don’t dream about anyone most of the time! I mean, I’ve been dreaming all my life! Only time people crept into my sleep was then they were thinking about me or talking about me. But noooo, that couldn’t be so! I don’t know these people! And I’m such a small streamer. No way someone who knows so many YouTubers, with a successful set of platforms could be talking about me or casting spells on me! No way! Why would they do that?? So fucking weird! You’d think I saw something I wasn’t supposed to see or something! No no no!

What. Sense. Would. That. Make?

Anyway~✿

Even this journal is an act of rebellion. I was Iced out on Bluesky the same was I was iced out on Twitter the same was I was iced out on Twitch the same way I was iced out on Discord the same way I was iced out when I was dating the same way I was iced out at my job the same way I was iced out at school……..like.

Source (or The All or capital G_d or whatever you do or don’t believe) must see a point in all this. Because I’m doing this. I’m doing this thinking nobody will read it. Or that the people who wronged me may see it (but...again, what sense does that make~~??). Call it whatever, but I’ve learned to stop fighting the flow and just do it. Nothing ever goes right when you fight who you are to keep up appearances. And what’s the point anyway? Complete strangers already fucked up my reputation well before I decided to do it myself.

I’m doing this because it’s the only thing I can do right now. Since I can’t seem to do Vtubing “right” worth a motherfuck. May as well do this (though I’m still going to stream on Twitch...tonight, actually. But I’m not turning this into a shill post. Maybe future ones)

Beginnings of a personal blog

[20 Dec 2024] Honestly, I don't want to write about myself. I always try to start a story and suddenly a part of me is clawing to get out. Itching to be heard. To be honest, I'd rather just write a story. Make an escape. Draw out comics of Ghibli-esque countrysides and fill in speach bubbles to characters that parellel the mundane.

Nope. I can't do it anymore. I havn't been able to draw what I've wanted to draw for years. I wrote the first draft of a story I hoped to make into a book, and every time I go to read it back for editing I go blank. The idea gone as quickly as it came.

And now that YouTube's AI can detect Adblock, I truely have nothing to do. Because I am a stubborn bitch who refuses to be bombarded with ads. I also refuse to play monthly for a shitty website that monopolized video hosting services. You have me fucked up if you think I'm paying for a website that is 90% AI and pushes brainrot and AI gen slop. That being said,

I hate ads

I hate them with a firey passion. I've hated them since they reared their head on the internet and try to trick people into clicking them. I've hated them since websites became mainstream and attracted vulture business people and annoying celebrities. I hated ads before I gave a fuck about personal computers- when I was a child and you had to watch minimum 10 minutes of ads just to watch maybe 15 minutes of TV.

I do not care who it helps. I don't care why they're there. I don't care if it helps content creators and other small businesses. Ad’s are the original brain rot as far as I’m concerned. Yes, they can be fun and informative, but when you’re forced to sit through them time and time and time again it’s just annoying poking and proadings to buy products you don’t and never actually needed.

Hell I think most commercials are just manipulation to get you to buy shit you don’t need. Yes, I may need a new car- but do I really need to watch several fucking commercials for it? Do I really need to be sweet-talked by the same 3 voice actors about “high performance, comfortable seats, and shiny cupholders?” Do people really need to be beat over the head with advertisements? Do we need to be reminded every 5 minutes of the same handfuls of businesses out here? Can we not find a way that benefits both the creator and the advertiser? Because it really just seems like advertisers want to PESTER YOU TO D E A T H about their products. Or try to play on your insecurities (or create insecurities) to get you to buy the same product with a different label slapped on it and maybe a sliiiiiiiiiiiiightly bit of packaging.

Shame I’m the type of person to IGNORE desperate vies for attention. So much so I’m willing to cut myself off from a platform I’ve been using since 2009 or 2010. I really, REALLLLLY hate ads. If I didn’t have to use ads on Twitch, I wouldn’t. I hate ads.