Personal Journal

Then I took back my Power

And remembered I’m actually a bad bitch.

AKA- the Petty Series. Vol. 4 (final)

[25 Dec 2024- Merry Christmas]

So why am I saying this? This whole fuckshit felt like it’s been my personality for the better part of a year- to my bitter embarrassment.

Because I was just done.

My entire life has been defined by what I wasn’t doing. By what I did wrong and never seemed to get right. I judged my self worth and abilities on other people’s validation and my productivity. Time and time and time a-fucking-gain it just seemed like I’d fuck something up out of nowhere and suddenly nobody wanted anything to do with me. I was painfully sensitive to who didn’t like me, who was taking advantage of me, how other people felt and how it was my fault.

I. was. Just. Done.

The Vtuber saga was the final straw that broke every single mask I made for myself up to this point. The masks I had to wear irl because my undiagnosed neurodivergency made it obvious that I wasn’t ‘one of the normal kids’ or that I could never be ‘normal.’ I worked my ass off time and time and time again to be included by people and time and time and time again I was singled out, fucked over, fucked up, and abused. I was tired. I AM tired.

I started vtubing because I always wanted to stream. I’ve always wanted to create art for people. I’ve always wanted to express myself without feeling like someone was over my shoulder nit-picking, sabotaging, prodding, and backstabbing me. I just wanted to be a dumb clown that made people laugh because I know what it’s like to be so goddamn miserable and low all the time. I just wanted to help people because I know what it’s like to be locked in a mental prison and punished by ghost and personal demons..

I just wanted to be a good person. I just wanted to be a better person than the people who ‘raised’ me. I wanted to pay off the shame and karma I accrued being a bitch to people in the past-past. I never wanted to be anyone’s enemy. I just wanted to do what I felt was right and not feel like such a fucking space alien all the fucking time.

Nah though. Fate had different plans, apparently. Turns out I was so good at pissing people off that I turned entire communities against me by going with the flow and tying to keep my head down. And all it took was weird bitches being weird, disrespectful bitches being disrespectful, and fuckboys being fuckboys. Mother. Fucking. Joys. (sarcasm).

I’m just done.

I sabotaged myself time and time again because goddamnit, if anyone going to see me as a fuckup, it’s going to be on my terms. If people are going to hate me or not associate with me, it’s going to be for good reasons- not because some weird bitches who can’t stop doing weird bitch shit decided to create a narrative out of thin fucking air to bully me. I don’t care if my experience isn’t uncommon either, fuck sake I did NOTHING to these fucking people and they drug me to hell for shits and giggles

This is me giving myself the Christmas gift of self respect. I’m telling my side of the story and I’m not going to let petty bullshit, stupid algorithms, and weird stalkers scare me away because I seem to irritate demons and people who call themselves ‘evil’.

Full pun intended.

I deserve SOME fucking dignity in all this shit. So many people want to shut me down and up, when they never had to listen to me or get involved in the first fucking place. So many fucking people decided to keep punishing me long after I gave them space and walked away.

Well fuck that. Fuck all of that.

The upside is I learned some very valuable lessons having my worst nightmares manifest in such profound, drama-filled ways.

Vol 1. Don’t feed a bitch because she’s good at begging. ESPECIALLY don’t if she’s happy to use her kids or trauma to get more sympathy points. Same bitch will turn around and talk shit about you same way she talks shit about everyone. (Don’t DM her with vunerable stories. She WILL share it to other people).

Vol 2. The same bitches that will make you feel bad for being yourself are the same bitches who try to BE you and try to run you off the internet to feed their fucked up delusions.

Vol 3 Never. Meet. Your. Goddamn. Hero's. Ever. If things seem to friendly or too good to be true, 8/10 times it is. People with numbers are NOT my friend. And whatever fucking skeletons they have in their closet are the types they’re willing to project onto other people. Period.

Apparently I’m so controversial I need to be iced out and ignored. Fine. I’ll be the monster. I’ll be the boogyman. I’ll be the bitch they warned you about. I’ll be the scapegoat. I’ll be the menace. I’ll be the nightmare. I’ll be every single thing these half-baked, mask wearing, messy, W E I R D AS FUCK people want me to be. Fine, bitch.

Give me my goddamn Crown since ya’ll were so damn eager to put one on me.

As long as I’m me, I don’t fucking care. I’d rather lay my cards down and lose every fucking poker game for the rest of my life rather than be approved by people who can’t even be honest with themselves.

Merry Christmas.

Fuck ya’ll.

On the Flip Side, Tho

Getting this off of my chest was a boon to my sanity. I let this stupid gaggle of bitches fuck me over so hard I was missing just how many people in my life ACTUALLY support me and still stand by me despite my flaws. Cheering me on. Being happy for me. Encouraging me to speak up instead of stay silent and let it eat me alive.

Funny how people who try to force their issues onto you fail so miserably they actually help you to see how powerful you really are. In the end, I got the best Christmas gift in my entire life- the people by my side who helped me laugh through the bullshit and supported me through the dark shit.

So thanks. Even to the people who are reading this just to kill time or because you need a little bit of tea to sip. You guys are awesome too. I don’t think I would have made this website or even bothered if it weren’t for the people who are still in my life 🙏

Thank you ✿

And then MY dumbass decided to be a clueless slut.

Then the Universe (Source) asked, “Child, when will you learn?”

AKA- the Petty Series Vol. 3

[25 Dec 2024. Ho Ho Ho. Merry Woomas 🎉]

Trigger Warnings: My journal entry’s go to dark places. Take care of yourself first.

This is the part of the journal entries where I need to be careful about who I talk about and why. Reasons:

1. I do not know these people.

2. These people have connections deep/longstanding/big in the Content Creator Space. Though my reputation is in the sewers (assuming I even actually have one), it’s irresponsible to say/imply too much about people I don’t actually know, never met, and never had a direct conversations with (I don’t count chatting in Twitch chats or in Discord Group Calls as direct conversations).

3. I won’t deny I stepped on some toes, and made it obvious I wasn’t ‘brand friendly.’ The problem I have is that- despite me not knowing what the actual problems where- I changed my behavior and still got punished. The punishment occurred when it was pretty obvious at this point that I was streaming too.

4. There are other people who were involved in this drama that led further to my downfall/crash out. However, since I made poor decisions that damaged any reputation and standing between certain communities and individuals, they will be omitted. I’m stating this for transparency reasons. If you know who I’m talking about, please leave these people alone. I don’t want to cause anymore headaches for people I feel didn’t deserve it.

Let’s get started.

I got inspired to do Vtubing- despite my already ghastly experience in the space (vol 1 bitch before vol 2 bitches) because a content creator I had been following on YouTube- my first now former Oshi- had got his first Vtuber model. I was super happy for him and thought I should try it too. Not because I thought it was easy. I knew at this point a model was minimum $1k, but I really wanted a change. I needed something different. I was desperate to get away from that drama.

I started participating in his- and other’s- chats. Prior to this I wouldn’t dream of it because of obvious shy reasons. I was afraid that I would say something wrong, piss off the streamer, and sulk away with my tail between my legs . And to start, it was pretty good, I guess. Streamer-san spoke back. I was less nervous because the chat was so active I figured I’d just be appreciated but forgotten. That was the goal- to be heard but not really ‘seen’. To participate but not ‘get in the way’.

One day, former Oshi (O#1) raided into former Oshi 2 (O#2). I immediately became O#2’s fan because music and common interests. Both O’s had a gimmick where they lokey flirted with their chat/ said some sexual or purposefully cringe shit. O#2 was objectively a Lewdtuber and mostly streamed at night. I don’t know the extent of these people’s relationships. I never met these people and- even when I still liked them- never wanted too. I just knew they got along. Period.

Now, before I go on, I need to make this painfully clear: I have always believed in a wide, healthy boundary between Content Creators (or entertainers of any type) and their audience members. I have been chronically online for far too long and seen too much fuckshit to even think I could be actual friends with these people or get close to them. I have never wanted to and to this day I have no desire to. I’d rather be these people’s enemies than their friends, because at least then I know the boundary will always be maintained. Please keep this point in mind for later, when I get to O#3.

Now, O#2 has a wife (W) who also streams and has big numbers. She also runs in the same circles with O#1, and has collaborated with O#1 at least one time after I decided to leave their communities (Saw it on my main page. Hit that “do not recommend this channel” so fucking hard I nearly knocked my mouse on the floor).

O#1 is also a YouTuber who’s been in the scene for a while. O#2 isn’t as ‘big’ as O#1 per se, but collaborates with a. lot. Of other content creators. W also gets numbers…..but let’s just say when I went to her streams she was…………….more curt with my responses than the others. Weather it was the ‘tsundere’ act or genuine is irrelevant- I fucked off after that first encounter because IMO I wasn’t wanted. And after the fuckshit I went through, I wasn’t about to intentionally overstay my welcome.

I joined O#2’s Discord for a short time in order to- ngl- promote my art and potential make friends with other chat members. I post a fanart of O#2’s character model shirtless as his model was always shirtless all the time at that point. Also it’s not like there wasn’t other fanart of similar content in that discord. It’s not like I was the only one drawing shirtless O#2 content.

After that, I go into O#2’s chat. W goes from not really giving any sliver of a fuck to now getting aggroed when I sent messages. She (and O#2’s artist) popped off at me irratated. And I suspect it was me because it only ever happened when I typed in O#2’s chat.

Me throwing money at bitches didn’t help either (I used to like buying subs for Vtubers. I will not elaborate on my mental state at this time. Worry not, I am still financially stable).

Overall, it just seemed like O#2’s wife and lowkey his artist was no longer pleased with my presents in his chat. He didn’t seem to notice until...maybe the 4th time I was in his stream- where he went from greeting me and chatting with me like everyone else to actively ignoring my presents. [Foreshadowing is a literary divice-]. Not sure why this was because- and this is my opinion, mind you- it seemed like I was being seen as something I was not.

I guess the instance O#2 said he had a wife one moment….then said he didn’t the next...then went BACK to saying he had a wife again in his streams may have….IDK created some type of misunderstanding~. At the time I figured that O#2 was probably secretly in a group, and probably slipped up on a contract.

Out of respect I won’t explain who told me about secret VT groups and contracts. I’ll just say I know, and I really wasn’t taking anything seriously since- once more I had no intention of befriending this man, his wife, or any of his other friends like that, so whatever their relationship status was wasn’t my business.

Either way- despite me toning down the weirdness when it seemed like the atmosphere was changing, the damage was done. Eventually I stopped my sub with O#2 and set off to quietly be involved elsewhere.

‘Cept, yk O#2’s reach was so fucking far, that it seemed like any new Vtuber’s chat I was in either iced me out after receiving me warmly before. I ended up leaving a few other communities because whatever fucking sin I actually committed got under people’s skin I even had to stop following certain other Vtubers because O#2 started collaborating with them seemingly every other day.

It also seemed like O#1 was keen to this shit too, because one minute I was just another rando chatter saying stupid bullshit to being popped off at because I said- jokingly- “fuck happiness, we make art.” (It’s still a personal philosophy I have, as, the moment I’m ‘happy’ with my art is the moment I stop doing it. And I’m far too invested in this hyperfixation to stop doing it, fuck you very much SSSIR).

So I very much cut down on my Vtuber consumption rate when it was made clear that my dumbass was some type of problem. I guess they thought I was trying to steal their men. Which is interesting because it implies that I had a shot with them to begin with. IDK. I cheated on my ex, I’ll admit, but they weren’t with married men- just annoying dudes over the internet who liked ERP. Not exactly trying to be finessed into stupid bullshit after all the other stupid goddamn drama I was dragged into.

This brings us to Oshi #3. Now this is an...annoying fucking story to tell for many reasons.

1. because I caught feelings (embarassing) and

2. Because it involves W.

As much as I would LOVE (sarcasm) to relive the moment I realized I may have misread signals or potentially got led on, I’ll spare you that. I caught feelings for O#3. I confessed to O#3 in his Patreon Dm’s (of which he deleted. Not the DM’s, his Patreon page) not because I wanted him to reciprocate my feelings (which would have been horrifying) but because I was finding myself getting into a state of limerence, and I felt I needed to just be honest and suffer the consequences instead of potentially causing MORE drama in a community over jealousy.

That was my way of cutting ties. To this day I have not returned back to that man’s streams or socials. I have no intention to under any circumstance.

“But what does this have to do with W?” Good question!

Well, originally, when I found O#3 it was because he was on my main page for a while and I figured I’d finally check out his streams. I came for his cool Vtuber model. I stayed because he’s a good voice actor. I liked his personality! A lot of people did!

Especially W when she came in...IDK maybe after the 3rd stream I attended for O#3. She came in, said “You model was cool!” Followed, bought a sub, and was going on and on about how nice his voice was (many people said that) and how cool his model was (many people also said this), etc, etc. She went on for a bit though. When I saw it I said nothing. Again, it was none of my business. I didn’t like W and W didn’t like me, but I wasn’t about to butt into anything. I just found it suspicious when W pulled a disappearing act as soon as I asked dude about some fanart I was planning to draw him. There one minute. Gone the next.

Weird behavior, considering she was barking at me when she suspected I was flirting with her H U S B A N D. A man who happily exclaimed “YO YOU GUYS SHOULD CHECK OUT THIS SONG I MADE WITH MYYYY WIFFFEEEEEEEE” during one of his subathon streams.

TOTES

NOT

SUS

AT

ALLLLLLL (extreme sarcasm).

IDK I JUST THINK THE ENTIRE SITUATION WAS HELLA WEIRD. It also seemed after that that MORE Vtubers were avoiding me after that.

Now, there could be many reasons for this- see my admitting multiple times that I called myself trying to help some troubled teens who were fucking around in 18+ lewdtuber chats. YK. It could be because I had bad blood with some bitches from FFXIV who already demonstrated weird behavior or because I had bad blood with another Vtuber in the space who still has some reach, despite my disdain for her.

But that would be a weird thing to speculate...because that would imply that BB#1 and BB#2 (see vol 2) also got involved as they knew how I felt about O#3, and I’ve already explained how messy those w e i r d bitches are.

Tbh, IDK

There were other...issues with O#3, but it veers into the territory of Spiritually and ‘woo woo’ shit. I’ll be honest, I’d rather not. I do suspect some not-easy-or-even-possible-to-prove shit was going down between not just these parties, but all of the aforementioned people in this series. But I’m not trying to explain the unwanted dreams I’ve had concerning these people. It creeps me out even thinking about it. I’m just saying THIS, because I have very publicly already said some crazy shit about it. I do not wish to disclose or speculate on anything- even if this shit actually DID happen. It’s too weird to think about- random people I don’t know trying to cast spells on me because they have it in their mind that I potentially deserved that for some wild goddamn reason.

What I WILL say is I did MANY cord cuttings on everyone mentioned here (and their friends and their aquaintences). All but one was successful -_-...which is O#3. Without going into even more woo woo shit, and frustration from people telling me to “just talk to him” again [like...???] I would fight this grown-ass man in the back of a Denny’s parking lot (in Minecraft or whatever).

Anyway, we are now here. I don’t want to go back over the situation I had with my former mod. I know he was stalking me after I booted him out for sabotage and further slander. Former Mod was well aware if my issues and insecurities in the Vtuber community and my frustrating feelings towards O#3. He also made it clear he was very comfortable hurting people’s reputation and doing some troubling shit in order to get his way. I’m not going over that can of worms again. He’s on my Wall of Shame. He’s not a decision I regret because I genuinely did try to help this kid- as I saw myself in him.

Nope. Learned my lesson. All it took was me burning every fucking bridge I never really had o7.

Then again, if they were supposed to be in my life, they would still be.

So more like a gift from Source (✿◡‿◡)🫰

Part 2 of the “Plunging my Numbers” challenge

AKA- the Petty Series. Vol. 2

[24 Dec 2024. Merry-Frickin-Christmas Eve]

[TW- This specific entry will mention some disturbing subjects. Please take a step away if you find things getting to be too much.]

[Let me also say that I make a lot of claims about the state of people’s mental health. No, I am not a doctor. You shouldn’t take anything I read as medical advice or a professional opinion. I had a fascination with psychology and mental health issues due in part to my own trauma and because I was always interested in it. I am not diagnosing anyone. All I’m saying is- if it walks, quacks, swims and looks like a duck, it’s probz not a turkey]

Lets talk about the Final Fantasy Bitches.

I’m really sick of talking about these bitches. After I (finally) left the Lux (venue), after many clues that I overstayed my welcome and the Queen Bit-I mean Bee was sick of my shit, I went to work at another venue. This venue was owned by a petty bitch who LOVED to talk shit and pass herself off as some Mother Teresa type. Also shares pictures of her kid. Wouldn’t be a problem...cept the company she keeps are….not really the types I’d trust with children, tbh.

“People won’t stop messenging meeeeeeeeeee. Even if I have the DND on my Discorrrrrrrddd”

Maybe ignore them???

It was thinks to this blue bitch that I met another set of blue bitches and a fire-based fuckboy. I’ve popped off about these people before. Hell, the SECOND blue bitch was the subject of my first popoff on Twitch. But we’ll get to that later.

I joined Blue B #1’s venue in FFXIV because I just wanted to bartend. I just wanted to be a bartender. I thought that shit was cool on the RP side of things. By this time I was so tired of drama that I made it my mission to mind my goddamn business and leave people alone.

Which I did.

I RP’d making drinks in a very unconventional way because I have no knowledge of bar tending IRL and I wasn’t about to study for hours just so I can write “accurate descriptions”. Nobody corrected me directly or spoke to me about it, and the customers didn’t really seem to care. So I assumed it was fine. Thing was though I was dealing with the type of bitches that will talk shit to you in front of your face but not to you directly. Like “I don’t like when people do (actions that I do when I RP)” BluB#1: “Yeah it’s like annoying”

By this time- because I was so used to this type of behavior- I just ignored it. I didn’t care. I wasn’t about to change up my style because a bitch who’s brave enough to leak other people’s business about anal trysts with married men in Canada wasn’t brave enough to engage in direct confrontation. Not my fucking problem. I was watching YT vids while waiting for these meetings to end. If you don’t have the spine to be direct, you don’t get a direct response. Period.

Anyway, I got involved with a fuckboy who was a manager at this venue. TL;DR- dude was in love with a person that BB#1 was dating.

[And let me just get this out of the way. BB#1 was on again/off again dating a Sociopathic, mega abusive, forces-people-to-RP-about-granny-granchild-rape-incest..cult leader. I’ll call her a cult leader. Actually racist- according to this black IRL fuckboy I was fucking with “but if you don’t let her walk all over you she’s fine” [clown noises]. BB#1 isn’t poly, but Sociopath G’ bitch openly had a side piece who was also engaging in this disturbing RP cult. I don’t mean just in game. SocioGBitch actually bought SidePiece-chan with her on a date with BB#1. That’s as far as I’m going airing out dirty laundry. I’m a bitch, but not THAT big of a bitch. Ask the right people and I’m sure their toxic, messy asses will happily spill that tea.]

Anyway, I pissed off fuckboy Jones by disapproving of his interactions with Sociopath G Bitch. He- knowing I have baggage and damage- started gaslight, gatekeep, girlbossing my ass covert narcissist style and “took a break” AKA; put me on the hook while playing around with other catgirls. A simple “yeah let’s split” would do it as it REALLY wasn’t serious just dumb slut shit, but he decided to give me the “I just need time” shit. It hurt because we actually bonded. My stupid ass fell for yet anooooooother toxic relationship! WOO!

This was the moment I decided that being with people- even for play ERP- wasn’t for me and if I was going to be a slut, I was going to be a free one. But I digress.

The pain I felt from this betrayal was so bad I- stubborn and stupid to keep my bartending gig- bought it up to BB#1. Her response- after sending her screenshots and recorded video of evidence of abuse- was “you should talk it out with him.” I said “fuck no. I’m not ‘talking it out’ with my abuser!?”

After that she made a Discord Status saying something along the lines of “I’m not doing your work for you.”

She didn’t push it far after I- in a long, private, Discord call- explained how fucked up it was that this fuckboy has a history of this shit. And how it was also hella fucked up that her sociopath girlfirend who also brutally abused other employees (BB#2, BB#3, and Bard-chan) was allowed to come and go as she pleased with her batshit possie of even weirder bitches in their G cult. BB#1 acted like she understood...but CONVENIENTLY didn’t pass that memo to another hardly-present, barely-there manager. So when fuckboy jones was about to pass me my gil-check, I unplugged my landline so I can fake “my shitty net dropping” and thought about my next move...since I couldn't seem to find joy in this MMO I sunk so much time into anymore. Yayyy tainted joy (sarcasm)!! I tried to hold on to it, but in the end I’m pretty sure I’m not renewing my sub. Bye bye medium house. It was fun to decorate you~

Now, BB#2, BB#3 and Bard-chan were people I didn’t really associate with closely until fuckboy pulled his stunt and I pulled mine (which was part of the reason the venue shut down before being revived to whatever Sociopath G bitch and her smegma coated crew replaced it with...from what I heard). Yeah we did some ‘sidequest RP’s’ and some FFXIV game shit together but we weren’t close. BB#2 approached me, adopted me into her group and we became… ‘friends’.

Now here’s where I make part speculation, part pattern reading. BB#2 is a bitch I stopped trusting when she decided to keep in contact with SocioG and BB#1 (who had a melt down and that caused a lot of people to not fuck with her) “just to prove a point.” Again, BB#2, #3, and their friend Bard-Chan where so brutally traumatized by SocioG and the smegma coated G crew that I read one of the roleplays featuring…to put it delicately- super fucked up, super bloody domestic abuse maybe before or after hearing about being forced to RP a forced pregnancy that Bard-Chan never wanted their character to go through with. IDK I think it’s pretty weird to play Machiavelli [Further Context: Dark Triad Traits ] with someone you allegedly don’t actually want to associate with anymore. You know, because G bitch walks talks and acts like your classic run-of-the-mil Narcopath.

But, you know, I stayed with the group [clown noises]. Because they helped me and I figured their trauma brain was going burrt.

Nope.

BB#2 clearly had some…..strange affinity to me, because she went from nice heart-to-hearts, to mean bitching me in a groupchat I have long since left. Hell BB#2 probably kept that and other group chats so she could screenshot me saying “I’m going to do some Machiavellian shit” and so on to whatever I was plotting with the bitch in Vol 1. (Spoiler alert, it was me clamoring for protection because vol 1 bitch loooooooooves to talk shit. Talks shit about damn near everybody and I was afraid of being sabotaged. Whole lotta fuckin’ good that did me~ [sarcasm])

At this point I realized I had no goddamn friends amonst this group. I figured BB#2 had some weird fixation with me when I got inspired by my first Former Oshi (featured in Vol 3) to start my OWN Vtuber journey (Octo-on-dumb-bitch-juice-go-BURRT). This was around the time where I first arrived in the scene and started participating in chats- something that I would never do years before because I was afraid of making a fool out of myself and fucking things up. Again, we’ll get to that later. I started streaming shortly after…

Then so did she.

I started a Twitter because I figured Twitter was a good way to build an audience. She was my mod on Twitch for...like 5 minutes before buying her own model (minimum 1k) and starting streaming. Her numbers blew up overnight before she dropped another fat bankroll on yet another model. I was lucky to have still-good-friends stop by to say hi. Whatever, I think, I don’t have many friends. I’m going to be working harder anyway.

Anyway, on Twitter- I make a post. She makes a post. I make a notepad post. She makes a notepad post. I stop talking in the GC because I got sick of BB#2,#3, and Bard-chan’s inconsistent behavior, she make a post featuring an AI generated cake. At the time I was going by Cakeberry or Cake. I talk in the GC, nobody talks to me and BB#2 keeps trying to 1up me. When I stop talking, it’s all “Cake are you alright? Is everything good??”

I was so physically and mentally uncomfortable being associated with these bitches at this point that I was contemplating a lot of choices. I felt like I was between a rock and a hard place because I was associated with 2 TOXIC vtuber groups (I was still associated with Vol 1 bitch’s group).

The final straw was when another regular at the now-closed-venue formally owned by BB#1 hosted his own venue event. BB#2 was acting weird. I thought she was playing a character. I’m already disillusioned with RP and FFXIV. I was trying to start my streamer life and abandon my FFXIV life. Customers would talk to me, and happily RP with me- sometimes coming back for seconds. Next thing I know people avoided me. And not the “naw I just wanna chill” type of avoid. But like- friendly to COLD avoid.

Common denominator: BB#2.

I don’t know for sure. But it just seemed like the more I was around these blue bitches, the more miserable I felt. But I couldn't just leave...for reasons. Without giving away tooooooo much business, BB#2 isn’t the type you just...leave. She has her own issues and demons she’s dealing with. Thing was she was making her demons my problem. I was tired. I was so very tired of this weird toxic shit.

BB#1 ended up having several ‘moments’ and abandoning her venue. A cute little event happened that pretty much ended in everyone quitting and the venue shutting down. Based on BB#2 and #3’s descriptions in the GC, it was probably SocioB’s plan. Shock to no-one. The Sociopath is a crybaby who’ll throw a tantrum and destroy shit if she doesn’t get her way. Cue my ‘shocked’ face. Do you see it? Do you see how surprised I am? -_-

Whatever. I ended up forming a temp alliance (emphasis on ALLIANCE) with BB#1 because bitch from vol 1 still has more power in terms of numbers and clout and BB#1 had already been streaming for over a year or two at this point. TL;DR I was looking for ‘safety’…..that worked against me too.

The drama was a headache. By this time, BB#2 and BB#1 were back on speaking terms despite BB#1 voicing disdain for BB#2. Why? I don’t remember a this point. Their drama got so convoluted. I had my poppoff with BB#2. We split. BB#1 and are are talking in a VC about how BB#2 was always an attention junkie who did some weird shit and lacked originality, and would pick up and put down identities on the RP side same way someone changed their underwear- especially if it was popular.

BB#1 was “worried that BB#2 would finally get the attention she wanted.” I told BB#1 I didn’t care. She and her weird friends were out of my life. I don’t care if BB#2 loses it all, becomes prom queen, or supreme dictator of cat-based-ffxiv-based-vtubers. I was ready to move the fuck on. BB#1 goes quiet like she always did when I talked to her, and a week later I see she’s still collaborating and associating with BB#2- despite this bitch telling me she didn’t care for BB#2’s bullshit just a week before.

BB#1 and I split when I went into her Twitter DM’s and told her we should split. Her response: “YOU WERE PLANNING ON LEAVING ME IN THE FIRST PLACE, WEREN’T YOU? JUST ADMIT IT! THAT’S YOUR PLAN TOO! PRETTY MANIPULATIVE TO NOT REACT THIS WAY. YOU WERE ALWAYS GOING TO LEAVE! JUST ADMIT IT”

I said “yes.” because at this point I was to sick and tired of weird bitches being weird. I don’t care if it was an obvious sign of trauma on her part, or if it made me seem like the most evil bitch this side of the internet. Other people’s trauma- especially grown ass people- were not my responsibility.

I was thankful she blocked me and didn’t proceed to stalk me behind the scenes like I suspect BB#2 was doing for a while until it became inconvenient. But that’s just speculation. These bitches were so weird and sticky I figured the BEST way to cut ties was to make it SUPER OBVIOUS I did not want to associate with them or their friends anymore.

PS- BB#1 wanted to open a Bar IRL. I don’t know if she actually has yet. But please take this entire shit show as a warning- a person who is willing to excuse disgusting behavior in a videogame and cosign majorly abusive behavior is probably going to do the same thing to an irl employee as she did to me and the rest of us. Imagine working a bar and a manager- with a history of sexual harassment and running off workers- sexually harasses or engages with a worker inappropriately, and the owner’s response is “you’re going to have to talk” to the manager who harassed you.

It’s all just a fucking videogame until real people get hurt. But, you know. That’s what I get for being stupid, or whatever.

Learned my lesson with this lot. Learned it hard.

'Clout chasing' for those sweet sweet numbers✿

AKA- the Petty Series. This entry is Vol. 1

[24 Dec 2024. Merry-Frickin-Christmas Eve]

[TW- My journal entries go to some dark places. I will mention suicide and probably describe troubling things. The suicide hot-line is here . My heart goes out to you, but understand I am nobody’s parent. If you feel like it’s getting to be too much, take a step back and CARE FOR YOUR HEALTH FIRST.]

This is for documentation purposes. I’m not trying to get people to join my Discord to see the Hall of Shame to see a point of reference. This is just me being another generic bitter bitch online. This is my way of leaving the past behind me. This is also my way of getting back at some mean bitches. It’s a lil’ Christmas Gift to myself~

Feel free to copy and paste this to your friend’s DM’s so you can point and laugh at making the weird kid cry.

Anyway~✿

I’m starting this story at the very beginning. Like, pre-pre streaming.

Once upon a time, I got into some nasty headspaces and ended up gravitating towards the types of YouTubers who still drop the ‘r’ slur and still act like Newgrounds kids (edgy, disrespectful, elitist, and overall horrible). My ex-boyfriend, a not-virgin incel type who acted more like a teenage boy than a grown ass man (he is 2 months older than me) pressured me into FFXIV the same way he pressured me into all types of things I had no actual interest in. But I thought I “””loved””” him at the time, so I stayed. For. Nearly. Two. Years. In a clearly toxic relationship, filled with animosity.

I suppose now is a good time to admit this. Yes, incel-loser-kun, I DID actually cheat on you by ERPing with motherfuckers in FFXIV. You were correct. I did lie. Same way you lied to me over, and over, and over, and over again in our relationship and tried to make ME seem like I was the one who needed therapy when you shiver like a leaf if nobody is talking in a VC Discord call...and thinks foreskin is SO disgusting, that you go on loud, 45 minute rants about how disgusting they actually are for some strange reason. Oh and is bisexual, but only wants straight children because you want grandchildren, but you make ‘jokey’ excuses to OK pedo-shit in Japanese media. Oh and...looses your mind if nobody takes your half baked advice...even though nobody should have to, since most of your days you sit and play videogames and shitting yourself over the idea of someone judging you for hitting up the same gas-station twice in one week, and go into MORE long, booming rants about people not having the same opinion as you.

Don’t worry though- they dropped me as soon as I broke it off with you because I wasn’t interesting to them anymore. So you got your revenge there. Yes, they DID work at the Lux. Yes, they DID actually activate the slip-n-slide! I wasn’t broken! You were just disgusting!! Muah✿!

The reason why I preface all of this hoopla is to explain why I came on to the streaming scene so strong. See my job (high-stress and literally high-suicide-rate) and my ex (and two of his worthy-of-more-respect-but-still-garbage-human-beings friends) had broken down the little bit of confidence I had procured over my twenty-something years of life into a tiiiiiiiny little shell of a human. I desperately wanted new friends because I needed an escape from the already disturbing things and people I was subjected to for a decade at this point.

Needless to say, this led me to my first Vtuber enemy. I’m not going to say her name or give her a nickname. I’m extending THAT much respect because we both have seen eachother’s faces, know each other’s real names, and did business with each other until I got sick of her microaggressions. “Would you do some art for a fellow POC?” Would you stop acting like you’re actually Asian? Bitch and I are from the same state and I promise you she’s indistinguishable from any generic white Karen roaming about.

I also know WAAYYYYY too much about her relationship with her spouse. TOO much about their relationship. Farrrr too much. But what can I say? When I pick up my phone, and the first thing I hear is complaints about home-girl’s husbando not being a good enough husbando while also being “soooo poor” and “in bad paiiiinnnn” all the time, I kinda start regretting the moment I got too attached.

But I gotta say- my bleeding heart ass got hella swindled by this one. That’s on me. I PROBABLY should have realized I was getting played when you consider the woman puts more into her heavily-accessorized, very articulated, very shiny Vtuber model, with minimum 2 outfits, 3 hairstyles, and cute little sparkly-warkly details scattered about~. Or, like, when she was more willing to drop bank on new Discord emotes or m u l t I p l e (in the 10s) pictures for a massive DnD campaign, or a shiny penny on a fully voiced intro (I’m just going to say, you can tell it’s not cheap or self made), or even MORE on small assets that she pays for on Vgen and pays her PAPA (Vtuber term: a person who rigs models. MAMAs- which she also has...who’s also on a payroll- do the art and sometimes assets for one or multiple models) to rig for. Let me say too, neither her nor her husband have templated out-of-the-box models. They are well drawn and well rigged. That alone runs minimum a thousand dollars. Hers and his probably cost closer to 2k.

And I wouldn’t even give a fuck about this bitch if it wasn’t for the fact that she has kids and animals living with her in an apartment. In a gated complex...in one of the more expensive parts of our home state. Like, I get it- THAT particular state is on some fuckshit with the rent laws...but don’t you think you’d spend a little more on trying to be less broke and dependent? Like I know we’re ‘investing in our business.’ Kudos, boss babes, but...like...IDK. If I was struggling financially and I got money for my streams- despite constantly doxxing and yelling at your child every 5 minutes during said stream and breaking down into tears when something scrapes your fickle trauma bone- I’d probably try to save up to find a better place to live or get your untrained service dog retrained. I DEFINITELY wouldn’t spend it on a future Vtber model for you favorite- I mean, youngest baby child you can’t seem to stop doting over.

Also, babes, your husband is half black. Why the actual fuck are you saying shit like “fellow POC” to my fully black ass when you’re still cosplaying a wasian like one of those annoying weeb kids from Highschool? Bitch you are older than me. Grow the fuck up.

PS- I have full range to be unprofessional when you take advantage of my kindness, low-key bully me in VC’s, waste my time and not respond back to DM’s when negotiating prices for YOUR fickle requests, and further wasting my time because you can’t be on time for shit and you’re so desperate for attention you censor me for ‘ya trauma’ (“GUYS I HAVE TRAAAMUAHHHHH YOU CAN’T TALK ABOUT THAT!!! I DISSOCIATE!!!”), but turn around and talk about those very things with your enabling ass friends in front of ppl’s face. Yes, I know she does this shit with everyone. No I do not care. This is MY trauma response. Suck both these middle fingers

Babes, if you were jealous, you could have just said so~. After all, I didn’t stay with the man who got me so rallied up I needed to trauma-dump to randos I freshly meet over the internet. I just broke up with mine!

(Saved me a lot of money too~ maybe it’ll work for you...if you learn to budget a little better♥)

Till next time, folks! ✿

More venting from a person cosplaying as a jellyslime

[22 Dec 2024]

Gear Grinders of the day:

✿ People wanting a solution to a problem, then rejecting that solution because the messenger or the packaging wasn’t what they expected.

✿ People rejecting the solution because they didn’t want that specific solution. They wanted "another one" (as though that’s actually relevant to the problem)

✿ People wondering where it all went wrong after they reject the messenger, the packaging, or the solution themselves

If I wasn’t meant to be here, I wouldn’t be. Call it a hunch, but there’s a good reason why I’m still alive. Problem is it can be hard to see when I- and yes I’m taking it personally- am the messenger with the package.

There’s a YouTuber who does documentaries who wants to know how we can keep posting kids online without it being a danger. They want for families to be able to do it because not everyone is out to exploit their kids for social media building.

Issue with that is that is being online with your kids face showing- regardless of intent- is dangerous because there are people who pray off of it and exploit it. Thanks to gen AI and people making deepfake porn, there is no ethical way to put your kids faces online without putting them in danger.

Either keep their faces offline, or push for a solution that fixes the massive pedo-sex trafficking creep industry we have buried under the iceburg.

“But I want THIS solution”

Cept ignoring that little sex-trafficking, AI deepfake detail may lead to more damage such as...idk-kids growing up to find there’s some random deepfake porn of them on a porn website somewhere. They can’t get the video taken down because not every porn site gives a damn or complies.

“But there are othert-” I SINCERELY do not care. The problem is there because people wanted to install tile on rotting flooring- so to speak. You wanted the solution YOU WANTED and you didn’t want to take care of the overlaying problem preventing you from having what YOU want. Now you have exploited kids AND more frustration because we got wrapped up in the details instead of managing the problem.

In spirituality (or whatever you want to call it), there’s a trick to manifestation and spellcasting: detach from the outcome.

If you get wrapped up in the small details- how you want it, when you want it, where you receive it, who you receive it from, what they’re wearing, what you’re wearing, how you wear it, etc, etc, etc.- you wont get it.

So that money spell you spent so much time on isn’t happening. People will be like “Oh but the economy, darling. You can’t cast money spells. They don’t work because this that and the third and whatever” Nah, not really. It’s simpler than that, but for the sake of this example: You’re too busy eyeing that spell you bought trying to figure out why you have no money in your account. ‘Set and forget’ not ‘set and watch like a hawk, ignoring the rest of life because you’re desperate for a dollar.’

For manifestation, lets use a puppy an an example. You want a puppy and expect that puppy to come through the mail. So you check your mailbox or front porch or stoop or whatever for this puppy. You don’t get any puppies. You get upset you’re not getting your mail puppy. You throw manifestation in the trash because you didn’t get exactly what you wanted, how you wanted, when you wanted. You think it’s all garbage and think everyone is lying to you who does it- because it didn’t work for you specifically. Meanwhile, there was a perfectly good puppy at the kennel you probably could have gotten for free or- IDK- if you took a walk around your neighborhood, you may have been approached by the cuttest furbaby on 4 paws ever. Instead you missed that puppy because you were to focused on the mailbox or on the method of reception.

“B-But I didn’t want to walk!!”

“B-But I wanted it in the mail!”

“B-But I can’t go to the kennel-”

“B-but-butboutbutbutbutbut”

Then you get nothing. Then you get mad at the people getting something. Then you get mad when shit works out for other people. Or you get mad when they aren’t mad like you if they don’t get it. Or you get HELLA mad when someone else get’s MORE than they asked for. They wanted a corn-chip, but they get about 3 bags in 3 different flavors and a free visit to a corn-chip factory.

Shrug.

I’ve learned to let people who ask for solutions but nit-pick over the details just rot. Before I would fight, I would get frustrated, I would let it run deep. Gotta love that trauma. Can’t rip it out of your body, can’t let it rule your life. Just like any scar that leaves a mark- it’s there weather you deal with it or not. I realized the issues I’ve had with the people who bought me into this world gave me several complexes. I’ve had to come to terms with being told “But I still think you’re wrong” or “Your solution isn’t good enough” when nobody is giving a better idea and everyone wants...IDK what they want, but they don’t want an actual solution. Maybe an ego boost..but an ego boost isn’t solving a problem. It’s an ego boost.

Just let it rot.

Let the tower fall. Let people fail. Let them cry or get mad when the not-solution to their problem either makes the problem worse or does nothing to improve circumstances. If rotting means more severe consequences for them...then shrug.

“But what if you’re in that situation too and the consequences also affects you?” Simple. I abandon the people holding me back and do what I need to do to survive in the situation.

“But that’s really cold!”

Yup.

“B-but what if you’re stuck with them and-” I didn’t stutter.

You want to deny the solution because “It’s too this or that” or the messenger doesn’t suit your (hyper) specific criteria, I’m leaving you and the rest for better solutions. My entire life has been either suffering from stupid solutions after being pressured (forced) to bite my tongue or breaking off from the group because they want to put themselves up shit’s creek to get across the river when I’d rather just find a few logs in a good place or find a crossing. My ass is playing knucklebones with Mr. Freeze and Elsa from Frozen if it means I can do that without smelling like river shit or- even worse- drowning in it.

Then- when the people in the raft finally make it to the cottage 3 hours behind schedule, caked in 40 other people’s digested lunch- folks get mad at me because without telling them so, I told them so.

“Your solutions don’t always work though” Nope. But they don’t have to. A 70% success rate isn’t 100% or 90% but it’s still far better than 50% or 10%.

Or just zero.

“You think you’re so much better because-” Yeah I just cut off people who think like this. If life is a competition for you, do not talk to me. I am sick of these people gunkng up gears because they want to be first place in everything. ‘If the idea doesn’t come from me it’s a bad one’ headasses are the main ones complaining that shit doesn’t go right for them (or they blame it on other people like loser crybabies~). Oh and they’re also the reason there’s no progress, IMO. When life’s a competition and your meat-head is too busy trying to win invisible rewards, the rest of us suffer (and you do too). Maybe save it for an actual competittion or, IDK, leave us out of your dipshit-ass plots.

I know I don’t have all the answers. I don’t WANT all the answers. I want to live as easy a life as possible with as little fight or struggle as possible where possible. Sometimes means taking the long road. Sometimes it means putting your ideas and solutions aside if or when a better one comes along. Sometimes you sacrifice a pawn. Sometimes you cut your losses. Sometimes you just fucking lose. Who cares? If I want a puppy, I’m not going to get attached to how I get that puppy. If I receive a gift, I’m not going to bellyache and bawl that it’s not wrapped in silks and satins delivered by Fabio. IDK, it seems pretty dumb to me to reject a boon because it’s not wrapped in your favorite wrapping paper.

Does this make me a bitch? Good. Half my problem was that I wasn’t bitchy enough. I let people walk all over me because I wanted to keep the peace. I went along with their bullshit because I didn’t want to seem like a “bossy know-it-all” who’s “difficult.” Where did that get me? Up that goddamn shit-filled creek with a bunch of idiots who deadass thought it was a good idea. I fucking hate that creek. I lowkey have resentment for people who put themselves there to prove a dumbass point.

I’m glad the Pisceian era is over. I’m glad I that era and it’s moon-brained, hyperidealistic, detail-critical-crybaby energy is at least a degree behind us. Maybe it’s my Virgo placements (it’s very definitely my Virgo placements), but it’ll be nice to see the metaphorical house get abandoned or torn down because people wanted new tiles and chandeliers before they wanted to fix the foundation and skeleton.

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet...

[21 Dec 2024]

Trigger Warnings: I talk about my trauma. Abuse, suicide, neglect and other dark topics will come up. The suicide hotline site is here

This morning, I woke up with way too many thoughts bouncing around in my head. I was imagining my next journal post and a part of me felt like my world was sliding sideways. I mean it when I say I don’t want to write about myself. Problem is if I don’t, the thoughts wont stop.

I vent a lot. A general tarot reader I watch was saying something about certain members of the collective “writing a book about all the things they’ve been though.” I said “no” out loud to my screen because I don’t actually want to relive that trauma. I want to write fiction. I want to draw pictures. I want to make comics.

Then YT said “Hyuck! Watch our ads or don’t watch vids! Huhuhuhua!!”

So whatever. Here we are.

As of writing this, I had a moment in my front page’s News feed about new energies coming in and introducing myself. This decision came after years of rejection, purposeful misunderstandings, nit-pickings and bullying. This shit started in the household with two delusional, co-dependent humans I call the egg and sperm donor. They're the types to dangle love and validation on a carrot above all their kids while being dramatic, condescending, gas-lighting, clueless and insecure. One who can’t seem to wrap their heads around any aspect of reality, and plays victim to the many thoughts in their head while the other pushes themselves further into the grave trying to prove themselves to ghosts. Imagine only being talked to when something is wanted from you. Imagine being barked at for not doing something you weren’t asked to do, then being barked at for not doing it well enough. Imagine being a child then having a booming, towering man yell at you for being "too" childish- while the egg donor sits quietly in the background doing fuckall.

Imagine BOTH of those idiots coming back AFTER your life fell to pieces selling you some bullshit like “I always stood up for you” or “that’s why we always wanted you to talk when you were a child.” No the fuck you didn’t. Both of you thought I was always lying about e v e r y t h i n g. You didn’t believe anything we said or did. You acted like we were trying to manipulate you the same way you manipulate everyone else!!

I hate talking about my past because It’s paved in trauma. Why do I want to recount the times I nearly met death because of car trouble, only to have one “parent” shrug it off and the other pretend I was being dramatic? Or the time I was being sexually harassed or received unwanted touching and questions from complete strangers while the egg and sperm donor just...w a t c h e d. Did nothing. Said nothing. But LOVE love love love love to act like they were always there and they always cared.

I experienced horrible bullying at my job. Egg donor: “they sound like they like you, teehee~” Sperm donor: “Welcome to the real world! Hyuck!”

Please also understand that the two people who tried so hard to give birth to me laughed at my pain and encouraged family members to bully or hurt me too. Common in the black community. TOO common. “You can’t be telling our business! What if white people see!?” How about you stop looking for reasons to torture and pimp out your kids, then we can discuss what white people do and don’t see, hm?

Maybe if we stopped trying to be perfect on the surface and actually deal with the generational trauma accrued by THREE CENTURIES of slavery and minimum ONCE CENTURY post slavery slavery , we could actually solve our problems. But that’s a conversation for another time~

Like, these two fuckwits don’t care if I live or die and I was (emphasis on WAS) the Golden Child in the dynamic. When my oldest sister left and worked her ass off to never have to come back (kudos to her), my roles changed. Some days I was the Scapegoat. Some days I was the Golden. Most days I was Forgotten.

And how the fuck do you explain that to people back in the early 2000s? Hell, NOW, people know what emotional abuse and neglect is. But back then you were “lying for attention” or “being a crybaby?”

Same types of people who don’t want to believe painful memories are the same ones who’ll believe your bully because the halo effect.

“They can’t be like that.” Are you fucking joking???

How many TV personalities, movie stars stars, content creators and other people committed crimes and got away with it because they’re pretty or have a lot of numbers? You want to believe the person paid to keep your attention and selling you a fake identity isn’t capable of having an affair with you or your co-stars wife? Or making up life-ending rumors just to keep the spotlight? Or threatening to hurt or kill themselves so you’ll stay with them? How about stalking? Or lying? Or sadism? Or pedophilia? Or murder or advocating for murder or genocide or whatever?? You want to believe a pretty bitch can’t be evil incarnate? Then you wanna be like “ohhh noooooo how could this happennnnnnnnnn!?!?” when they finally those things? Be fucking serious. Lucifer isn’t just a selling point for edgy companies, he’s a goddamn allegory that not enough people seem to grasp the concept of.

You can’t expect the same people who will lie, hurt, and torture you for attention to be your actual friend. You can’t actually live in a world that supports crybaby parasites. I’m sick of people humanizing people with these types of problems because my parents are more common than not. Making excuses for this behavior is why people like my parents are in places in power, running platforms, pushing algorithms, making messes, and doing whatever other fuckshit they’re doing to make life unlivable for everyone else around them.

No, I don’t care if you had it “better” or “worse.” I don’t care if the cycle of abuse made you sympathetic towards abusers. I really don’t’ care. Suffering isn’t a competition and you aren’t a good person because you excused the behaviors of fucked up people you “forgave”. I walked that path too and all I got was nearly 30 years of depression, anxiety, and isolation. All I got was nearly 30 years of learning how to get into these monster’s heads and turning their methods against them so I wouldn't fucking off myself. All I got was becoming them, hating it because I don’t actually like hurting or manipulating people. All I got was contempt for my fellow man who didn’t seem to care or give a shit. All I got was well poisoning and manipulation. I got was berated and accused of manipulation when I decided to stay in my lane and mind my business.

All I got was spiritual gifts that- tbh- make me MORE unrelateable. That make me MORE isolated. I got obsidian sharp intuition because my parents taught me nothing and set me up for failure. I got people who lied to my face and sabotaged me even when I suspected they would but, you know, didn’t want to judge anyone so I gave them the benefit of the doubt (clown noises). All I got was dreams of people who wanted to rape me, or kill me, or watch me suffer until I started lighting candles and cutting chords! Did I ever mention that I dreamed of my first Oshi WELL AFTER he popped off at me in his chat? He was standing next to a merman and pretending we were friends (It’s funny because he’s a certain type of furry! It’s also funny because merfolk are a bad omen in dreams)!

This after dreaming of his friend’s wife who ALSO did some meangirl shit? WEIRD since I actively didn’t sit in their chats after they made it clear they didn’t want me there. Weirder still how people who should have never cared about me- being such a small fish in a fat fucking ocean- was appearing in my dreams and only seemed to stop after I either popped off in my streams about them or started doing chord cutting rituals too.

But how could that be so? They’re just dreams, right? Besides what would people I’ve never met and hadn’t seen for months at that point be doing in my dreams? I don’t dream about anyone most of the time! I mean, I’ve been dreaming all my life! Only time people crept into my sleep was then they were thinking about me or talking about me. But noooo, that couldn’t be so! I don’t know these people! And I’m such a small streamer. No way someone who knows so many YouTubers, with a successful set of platforms could be talking about me or casting spells on me! No way! Why would they do that?? So fucking weird! You’d think I saw something I wasn’t supposed to see or something! No no no!

What. Sense. Would. That. Make?

Anyway~✿

Even this journal is an act of rebellion. I was Iced out on Bluesky the same was I was iced out on Twitter the same was I was iced out on Twitch the same way I was iced out on Discord the same way I was iced out when I was dating the same way I was iced out at my job the same way I was iced out at school……..like.

Source (or The All or capital G_d or whatever you do or don’t believe) must see a point in all this. Because I’m doing this. I’m doing this thinking nobody will read it. Or that the people who wronged me may see it (but...again, what sense does that make~~??). Call it whatever, but I’ve learned to stop fighting the flow and just do it. Nothing ever goes right when you fight who you are to keep up appearances. And what’s the point anyway? Complete strangers already fucked up my reputation well before I decided to do it myself.

I’m doing this because it’s the only thing I can do right now. Since I can’t seem to do Vtubing “right” worth a motherfuck. May as well do this (though I’m still going to stream on Twitch...tonight, actually. But I’m not turning this into a shill post. Maybe future ones)